Estrangement and Mother Hunger

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I have recently been introduced to the term “mother hunger.”  And although the actual term is new to me, I recognize that I have been writing about this topic unknowingly throughout my columns on Together Estranged.  In fact, the article I wrote in November 2025 entitled “Estrangement and Fear of the Unknown” interestingly begins with the sentence “I miss my mom.”  When I re-read this article, it becomes painfully clear to me how much I miss my mother.  But in reality, not my mother, I just miss being mothered.  I miss it tremendously, and it has created a deep void I have yet to figure out how to fill.  Even as an adult, I so desperately want to be supported, cared for, loved, and made to feel safe, by this idealized version of my mother.  I want her to help carry my burdens, reassure me that all of my problems can be solved, and let me be a carefree child once again, if only for a short time.

I wrote in that article that missing my mother feels innate.  That no matter how I experienced life with her, and because of her, I miss her.  And it’s only when I started delving further into the topic of mother hunger, did I realize that my feelings were not unusual.  From a practical standpoint, it sounds strange to miss someone who caused you pain and created feelings of uncertainty and loneliness.  I liken the desire to achieve that connection with your mother to a magnetic force, often not feeling under your control.

What I have recently learned is that the children who fail to receive nurturing, protection, guidance, and support from their mothers are the ones most likely to suffer from mother hunger as they age, and there are lifelong ramifications that are created.  These adults are more likely to have self-doubt, insecurity, and struggle with healthy forms of attachment.  When the mother, who was supposed to model a loving and secure relationship either cannot or will not for whatever reason, the child carries with them the pain of this rejection and abandonment for the rest of their lives.  It doesn’t matter how successful, independent, or self-sufficient the child grows up to be, the part that feels truly accepted, content, and reassured in a relationship will always be just out of reach. That sense of belonging never fully occurs.  

So, what now?  Are those of us who currently have terrible relationships with our mother or are even estranged doomed to experience mother hunger forever?  I sincerely hope not.  Firstly, learning about this topic, as painful as it has been, has provided me with a sense of relief and comfort knowing that I am not alone.  That this topic has been identified, studied, dissected, discussed, and published by the experts in this field.  But now that I know its name, what do I do with it?  I made peace years ago with complete estrangement with my mother for my mental health and well-being.  And although reconciliation with my mother is not in my future, what if I focus on the outcomes of that relationship with her and examine how I am managing the other significant relationships in my life?  The ones that I have with my husband, children, and close friends?  By taking the time to truly scrutinize those relationships for possible patterns of insecurity and unhealthy attachment, I can take the knowledge from mother hunger and apply it to strengthen and improve these core relationships thereby improving connections, breaking generational trauma, and starting the healing process.  I know firsthand how overwhelming this is, but we can start the process together.  I wish you luck and positive healing!