Estrangement and Memories

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I have been completely estranged from my family for a decade.  That means, for approximately one-quarter of my life, I have had no contact with the people who brought me into this world and raised me.  I have not seen or spoken to those who most significantly impacted on my life and shaped me into the person I am today.  Influencing both the positives and negatives of my character.  They impacted my moral compass, belief system, and thought patterns, that still pervades today as an adult.  

I largely dealt with my estrangement over the past ten years by staying busy, and it wasn’t hard either.  I have had several major life changes back-to-back that provided plenty of distraction.  I hid behind this busyness and welcomed it into my life.  But, with something as big as estrangement, you can’t hide forever.

Estrangement has a way of sneaking into your life and triggering memories.  And it may come in the form of flashbacks, déjà vu, or you may just catch yourself imitating a parent even though you swore up and down that you would never be like him or her.  And all this has gotten me to think about our memories.  The painful ones we try to conceal that always manage to surface.  Can we trust them?

The longer I remain estranged, the more I question the severity of the situation that led to my estrangement.  Yes, I do remember with great clarity especially traumatic moments, but the rest of it? 

Was my childhood as bad as I keep remembering it to be?  Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?  I find myself sometimes second guessing my judgement.  Don’t all families have arguments?  Am I blowing this out of proportion?  After all, I have a sibling who isn’t estranged from our parents.  Is it me?  Am I the problem?  Sometimes I even go so far as to think that perhaps my memories are just a mixture of real-life events combined with scenarios from either a book I've read, or a movie that I’ve watched, and I’ve catastrophized the entire situation in my head to a much worse degree.  I can recall asking my therapist “what if I’m making this all up?”  And I’ll never forget her response.  She looked me straight in the eyes and said “you’re not.”

I don’t necessarily believe that time heals all wounds, but I do strongly believe that time has a way of softening everything.  And I wonder if that’s what’s happening to me.  It’s not that I necessarily want to reconcile with my family, but it does make me think that perhaps there may have been good memories that I can’t or choose not to remember. 

And the more I read into estrangement and memories, I have learned that these periods of self-doubt are common and normal.  It’s our innate understanding that people are not all good or all bad.  There were plenty of positive memories from my childhood, but unfortunately, the most difficult and traumatic ones ended up developing into the core memories that I have carried throughout life.  So, if you feel like you are in this situation as well, believe in yourself.  It can be a confusing time, and self-doubt will creep up time and again.  My recommendation is to seek mental help from someone experienced in the complex world of estrangement, who can help you parse out all of your feelings.  But remember, at the end of the day, your memories can’t be changed, but maybe reframed to give you a little more peace, understanding, and closure.