Estrangement and Anger

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If you had asked me what my most prevailing emotion has been related to my almost 10 years of complete estrangement, it would be anger.  And it has taken me many years to come to this realization.  And therefore, I can admit that my lack of recognition has certainly delayed my ability to start to process and reconcile this feeling.  Upon reflection, over the past decade, I can easily liken myself to a dragon, spewing anger instead of fire at anyone within arms’ distance.  And unfortunately, no one has been spared. 

It’s only recently that I have started to closely examine my anger, and of course, as with anything related to estrangement, it’s complicated.  When the estrangement first started, I was confused and uncertain as to how long it would last.  Certainly, I had disagreements with family members before, but eventually, all would be forgotten or glossed over.  But as time progressed, and it became clear that this was my new normal, a deep pain started to emerge.  And eventually, that hurt morphed into anger.  Anger that I was so easily removed from the family unit.  Anger that I wasn’t worth the fight.  That I was not as important as bruised egos and pride in an attempt at reconciliation.  Anger that I was simply forgotten over time.  In today’s world where everyone is working so hard to stay relevant, it stung that the people who are supposed to value and cherish you have so easily tossed you aside.  As those who have experienced estrangement know, all relationships going forward have to be approached with a high degree of caution.

As the years have passed, my anger has been fueled by another source; jealousy.  I have witnessed my spouse, and friends continue to have healthy, loving, and long-lasting relationships with their parents, and I always wish I could have had that experience.  The safety net that they experienced in childhood continues to hold them as adults, even as the parent-child relationship naturally morphs into a friendship over time.  Just recently, a friend was describing the close relationship she had with her father before he passed, and my only response was “I wonder what that would have been like.”  And I’m ashamed to admit I was envious.  I continue to struggle with the anger of missing out on these key relationships, and to not displace this anger on those who are able to maintain strong family bonds throughout their lives. 

And lastly, the shame I have experienced from being estranged has fueled my anger over the years.  Having to repeat my estrangement story and bracing for the inevitable reaction has been painful, humbling, and at times, embarrassing. The years of judgement have made an impact despite the thick skin I have developed. 

Throughout my estrangement journey I have been working very hard to change from an “angry person” to a “person who experiences anger at times”.  I have recognized that being consumed in anger delays opportunities for forward progress in my healing journey.  It’s a long road, and there will be setbacks, but being honest with yourself sets you on the right path.