Estrangement and “Getting Over It”

Photo credit: Adobe Stock

I have been completely estranged from my entire family for many years, and I’m getting more comfortable sharing that with closer friends, colleagues, and even strangers.  More often than not, it is someone I am meeting for the first time who asks questions about my family in an attempt at polite conversation.  Asking questions such as where do my parents live?  Do I get a chance to visit them often?  Do I have any siblings?  This is usually when I pause, take a deep breath, ensure that I am making eye contact, and say “Actually, I’m estranged.”  

And the range of responses over the years have varied from empathetic, uncomfortableness, shock, and confusion.  I sometimes get the feeling that when people hear that I am estranged, they either think I am emotionally disturbed or heartless, without considering that the person(s) I am estranged from may have played a part in ending the relationship as well.

But I will never forget there was one time I was in an argument with a close friend many years ago.  I can’t even remember the circumstances of it anymore.  But I remember expressing that I was hurt, and I vocalized that I felt like I wasn’t being heard or valued.  And for someone who survived childhood by making myself as small as possible in times of conflict, that was huge!  In a rare moment of vulnerability, I told this person that I was feeling similar to how I did in my familial relationships before they eventually ended in estrangement. And that was when the friend told me “Your estrangement happened so long ago, you need to get over it!  You use that as an excuse for your poor behavior, but it’s time to move on!”  And I was in shock.  

How could I explain to this person that estrangement has shaped my entire being?  That it’s woven into every fiber of my being, every relationship that I have, and my innate reactions to both good and bad situations.  I couldn’t believe how demoralizing that one comment that was so lightly made impacted me.

I know many people who are estranged that have struggled their whole lives trying to process what has happened.  From personal experience, I can tell you that it can take years of mental health self-care to start to understand why the biggest break-up of your life with people that should have loved you unconditionally has traumatized you for so long.  The pain, hurt, and anger that accompany estrangement, even if you were the one choosing to end the relationship, has lasting effects that can transcend generations.  “Getting over” estrangement is not as easy as flipping a light switch, and I hope you always remember that and give yourself some much needed grace.