Estrangement and Fear of the Unknown

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“I miss my mom.”  I’ve noticed that this sentence makes an appearance in my thoughts more than I care to admit.  Sometimes it’s not surprising, like when I’m having a difficult day and my nerves and patience are worn thin.  I start craving that support, understanding, validation, and love that only a mother can provide.  In those moments I imagine being able to share my worries and burdens with her and being comforted and taken care of as though I was a child once again.  

Sometimes though, those moments of missing my mom arise unexpectedly, usually triggered by something that reminds me of her.  The next thought typically starts with “I wish…”.  “I wish I could talk to her, I wish I could see her, I wish….”.  But the reality is, I’m estranged.  I have been completely estranged from my entire family for many years.  It’s been over 10 years since I’ve heard my mother’s voice or seen her face.  And yet, I miss her.  

And although it was my decision to choose estrangement, I still miss her.  

I can only describe it as innate; the need for your own mom that doesn’t seem to ever go away.  Despite my valid reasons for choosing estrangement from my family, there were some happy moments and memories from my childhood.  It’s the mom that I remember from those particular times that I miss and continue to long for.

And if it’s one of those instances when I find myself spiraling, I find it a very easy transition from wishing I could hear from her to wondering what would happen if I emailed her.  If I wrote her a very brief email with something to the effect of “Hello, I hope that you’re doing well.  I miss you.”  And I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve drafted that email many times, but I have not had the courage to send it.  What’s stopping me?  The potential response or even a lack of response.  I still can’t decide which would be more hurtful.  

I’ve thought many times over the years about what I would do if I got a terrible response with hateful words that would undo the progress I have carefully made over the years.  I also worry about what I would do with information that one of my family members was sick, developed serious mental health issues, had died, etc.  Would I feel guilty that I wasn’t there to help during that difficult time?  It’s highly unlikely that my potential email would be met with positivity, grace, forgiveness, or a second chance to start anew, and although that may be pessimistic, it’s most likely the truth.  

So I have let the years pass by as the fear of the unknown keeps me at a standstill.  I sometimes wonder if my mom has the same thoughts about emailing me.  I wonder if she hesitates because she is worried about my reaction.  If she is fearful of opening up old wounds that have softened, but not entirely dissipated, over time. 

As part of the estranged community, I feel a kinship with those who are in the same situation as I am, and I’m sure many of you can relate to this post.  I think we collectively need to continue to reassure each other that missing someone, even if you are estranged from him/her, is completely normal.  It’s normal to grieve the parts of those relationships that were great.  My hope is for those of you who resonated with this piece to know that someone else out there understands how you’re feeling and that you’re not alone.