Estrangement and Friendship

I initially discovered Together Estranged when I was searching for an audience who would potentially benefit from a children’s book I had published last year on familial estrangement.  And to my delight, what I found was a wonderful community of individuals who shared the unique bond of being affected by estrangement.  Estrangement is a difficult, confusing, and heavily complicated topic.  And honestly, unless you have experienced or are experiencing it, you can’t fully understand how the trauma affects every relationship that you have.  Previously, I have written about how estrangement affects the relationships you have with yourself, your partner, your in-laws, your children, etc, on the Together Estranged website, but the trauma from estrangement also deeply permeates your friendships, both new and old.

I will never forget a phone call I had with a close friend, approximately 5 or 6 years ago.  Her father had passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack, and she told me during that call that no matter what had happened between myself and my parents, to call them immediately and reconcile.  At that time, I had been completely estranged from my family for a number of years, and I still am today.  But I will never forget the shock of hearing those words come out of her mouth.  It rendered me speechless for a moment.  Yes, she was a close friend, but I had never divulged to her, or anyone, the details of the difficult childhood I had experienced.  Buried under the layers of shame, guilt, and embarrassment, I kept those memories to myself, guarding the reasons for my estrangement like a close secret.  It was only years later that I fully understood that she could never empathize with my experience because she had a vastly different childhood.  One filled with love and stability.  And I’m sad to say, through no fault of her own and despite her well-intentions, it created a rift in our relationship.  Although it has been somewhat repaired over time, our friendship has never been restored to how it previously was. 

Unless you have experienced estrangement, you don’t understand the rollercoaster of emotions that accompanies it.  Every day, every minute, every second, can bring about a new set of feelings.  You can be afraid, angry, hurt, ashamed, confused, lost, lonely, or even sometimes “ok,” all in one day.  An event can trigger you to feel any of these emotions at any one time, happening more quickly than you can explain to yourself and others.  

Estrangement has taught those of us afflicted that no relationship is truly safe.  The estrangement with our families is particularly painful because they were supposed to be your forever support system.  So instead, we learned that relationships are not meant to be stable or enduring.   They all have the ability to slip away at any time.  Because of this, many of us isolate, become mistrustful, and heavily focus on our independence.  And that makes it more difficult to create new friendships or sustain the old ones.  Leading to more isolation, and the cycle continues.

What I have tried to learn over the years is that my estrangement doesn’t need to dictate how I choose to engage with the world.  I have slowly developed the courage to share some details of my childhood with a close friend and realized that although estrangement is not part of her story, her childhood wasn’t exactly a breeze either.  And I continue to lean on those that have experienced estrangement.  It helps me tremendously to know that I am not alone.  That my feelings are valid.  And that I do matter.