Estrangement and Identity

When you are estranged, your identity, how you explain your place in this world, becomes uncertain.  As a child, you were most likely known as “Mr. or Mrs.’ son or daughter,” and inevitably, if you had siblings, you became known as “______’s older/younger brother/sister.”  We were often identified by our familial relations, and that provided a sense of security and belonging.  But when you are estranged, and it’s been years, gradually you realize that you are no longer anchored to that person who is absent in your life.  That person whose identity was once tied so closely to yours.  It’s a humbling and somewhat scary realization that makes you think, “Now what?”  And if you’re like me, “Who the heck am I, anyway?”

I have been estranged from my family for the past 9 years.  Total and complete estrangement.  I have also undergone numerous life changes during that time including moving across the country, a new career, and expanding my family.  And the combination of all of these changes has left me questioning who I truly am, what makes me happy, and where do I belong.  And if I’m honest, I think I would have handled these life transitions with greater grace and ease had I had my mother and other close family members in my life.  Actually, not my exact mother, but a version of a mother that would have been supportive, understanding, and encouraging, as every aspect of my life changed and my identity shifted many times.  

Instead, I found myself often turning to close friends which was very helpful, but everyone has their own lives complete with their own busyness and challenges.  In truly desperate times I have half-joked with the mothers of very close friends to adopt me, which truthfully made me recognize the depth of my sadness and loneliness.  I have been anxious about not having a parental figure to guide me through life.  I’m a grown-up but I still need hand holding every now and then too.

Although today I’m a wife, mother, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, aunt, etc., I don’t often identify myself as a daughter or a sister.  When I think about the many labels I have for myself, “daughter” and “sister” don’t make it to the list regularly.  Your family is supposed to be your rock, your stability, and your core foundation.  Your family shapes your values, beliefs, and perspectives.  It’s no surprise then that when you are estranged, you question who you truly are.  I am still in the process of trying to understand and process my family trauma, and in turn, figure out who I truly am.  Anyone who is estranged can understand how difficult it can be to untangle yourself from all that you’ve known and start anew.

So, if you are in this position too, just know that you are not alone.  We are all trying to figure it out while life passes by at a dizzying pace.  Give yourself patience and kindness on this difficult journey.  I hope that you gain some clarity and confidence in the process.