Estrangement and Death

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My father-in-law recently passed, and while it was not unexpected, the complicated tangle of emotions I felt after he passed was surprising to me.  I had written a post last year entitled “Estrangement and In-Laws” which detailed the difficulties I experienced creating a relationship with parental-type figures while estranged from my own parents.  It was through writing that post that I realized that given my own traumatic history with my parents, I approached my relationship with my in-laws with caution; purposely creating distance.  It was a survival and self-protection mechanism, and one I thought had worked well over the years.

My father-in-law was ill for a number of years, but his health declined rapidly over the last month of his life.  The blessing in disguise is that we had time during those last few weeks of his life to hold hands and have those long conversations expressing how we felt about each other.  I know instances when a loved one passes quickly; those last words don’t have an opportunity to be said.  But I was fortunate to get that chance for closure.  I knew that he had always longed for a daughter but had two sons.  And so, I became that daughter to him. 

However, as a typical, stoic, Indian man, his true feelings were not emoted often while he was alive.  There were nods of approval and occasional hugs, but when you combine his personality with my natural instinct to not let anyone break through my impenetrable walls, you can see why we didn’t have an extremely close bond.

But now that he’s passed, I feel immense sadness and tremendous loss, similar to the feelings of estrangement from my own parents. The difference is that his passing had a finality, and that closure is what we lack with estrangement. I have been estranged from my family for the past ten years, and I have coped by being hyper-independent, strong-willed, and self-reliant. But now that he’s gone, I suddenly feel scared and alone.  I didn’t recognize and appreciate that while I have always prided myself on not needing or asking for anyone’s help, convinced that I can manage all alone, that he was always in the background providing that unspoken security and back-up. 

The other concern that his passing has created is for the welfare of my parents.  How is their health?  Are they even alive?  I held my father-in-law’s hand as he passed to ensure he didn’t feel alone.  Who will hold their hand?  Shouldn’t it be me?  Will they even tell me if they are ill?  Or will I one day get a phone call from a distant relative letting me know they passed?  I have so many questions.  And with that, more emotions.  Guilt, sadness, anger, fear. 

His passing is still very fresh, and I haven’t had the opportunity to fully process all of my emotions.  I have busied myself with the logistics that come after someone passes, and by distracting myself by focusing on my husband and my kids.  The grief that accompanies estrangement and death are so similar.  I am keeping all of you that have experienced any kind of loss in my thoughts, as I know firsthand the pain.