Estrangement and Trauma

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about trauma.  The word has recently become more mainstream, and while it may be overused or used incorrectly at times, it’s a word people, like me, can use to describe experiences they went through and the everlasting effects.  I had a traumatic childhood.  I didn’t have the opportunity to witness or experience healthy relationships.  I didn’t learn about boundaries, appropriate conflict resolution, managing emotions, etc.  And unfortunately, I grew up in that environment thinking everyone did as well.  It was only when I moved out of my childhood home as an adult, that I realized how different my childhood was compared to my peers as a whole.  After I left home, I intentionally started to slowly separate myself from my family, but my estrangement became permanent after one particularly difficult event.

And now, 10 years later, I am just starting to really examine my childhood and the impact that it has had.  I am ashamed to say that it took this long because I used denial and hiding behind the busyness of life to avoid having to think about that period of my life.  I became very good at avoiding answering questions about my family or changing the subject when the topic of my family came up in conversation.  I can’t even say I was fully truthful with the many therapists who have come into my life over the years.  But maybe with maturity, the realization that family relationships are difficult for everyone in their own way, or maybe because of the fact that I have children now who deserve honesty, I have forced myself to come face-to-face with my past.

The question is, which do I tackle first?  The trauma I endured in my childhood that led to my estrangement, or the trauma from estrangement itself?  The trauma that someone experiences that leads to estrangement is highly personal.  And even if someone suffers from a similar type of abuse, their story is still uniquely individual to them.  But what I think we all have in common is the trauma experienced following the estrangement. 

It’s the loss of your support system.  The people that were supposed to love you unconditionally, cheer the loudest for your wins, and support you the hardest through your losses.  It’s the loss of this safety net that leads to many downstream effects.  I have become very independent as a result of my estrangement.  In fact, I can recognize that my inability to ask for, or accept, any type of help stems from abandonment issues.  Thinking that it is a sign of weakness or that I always have to be self-reliant for safety.  My pride in being so independent will probably be the hill I die on, as I so often say in therapy.  The trauma from estrangement affects your ability to place trust in anyone, leading to superficial relationships that feel the safest.  You are hesitant to share too much of yourself, afraid to get too attached, and ultimately, end up wondering if anyone truly knows the real you.  The loneliness this creates can be so difficult.  And lastly, the trauma created by estrangement affects how you value yourself; your worthiness as a person.  If your family so easily removed you from their lives, what does that say about you as a person?  Clearly that must mean something, right?

Trauma and estrangement are so clearly intertwined, complex, and deeply rooted.  Sometimes I feel like I will be at the end of my life and still struggling in many ways, even after a lifetime spent trying to understand and heal myself.  I can only offer support, pray for your moments of clarity, and hopefully provide you with the feeling that someone else understands what you are going through. 

You are not alone on this journey.