Estrangement and the Positives

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I have been writing a monthly column for Together Estranged for approximately a year and a half.  Occasionally I will re-read older columns, either when trying to decide on a new topic idea, or even subconsciously, assessing if I still feel the same way about a particular topic I’ve written about.  I’ve been in therapy for many years, and although there has been progress, it’s slow growth and therefore, the changes are often unnoticeable in day-to-day life.  From re-visiting my contributions, what has become clear is that I have not written a single thing about the positives of estrangement.  I am aware that I am an inherently negative person, and I think often about nature vs. nurture, and how I came to be someone with this outlook on life.  So, this month, I am forcing myself to write about the positives of estrangement, even if it’s my shortest column to date.

Let’s start with the most obvious, physically, emotionally, and mentally distancing yourself from those who have caused you pain and trauma will always be positive.  If you’re anything like me, I spent years wondering if I should contact my family again, leading to endless cycles of confusion and self-doubt.  When I finally came to the realization that complete estrangement was the correct decision for me, I experienced a degree of freedom and lightness that I hadn’t felt in years.

Now what?  Now is the hard part.  Now is the time to really survey the wreckage, take inventory, look at what can be salvaged, and what has to be rebuilt from scratch.  The work has to begin, and the journey is long and daunting.   In my most recent therapy session, we discussed separating my childhood experiences from those my children are currently living. 

They are experiencing a vastly different childhood than the one I did.  One in which abuse and often neglect was present.  Where feelings were not discussed, silent treatment was rampant, and everyone lived their own lives behind closed doors.  What I remember from my childhood were the two extremes of shouting arguments or pin-drop silence.  There rarely was an in-between.  In my household, there is laughter and jokes and dancing and singing.  Yes, my kids fight, and my husband and I have disagreements, but there is an emphasis on repair.  There are apologies given, pride swallowed, and efforts made.  Even if they are exaggerated demonstrations where my husband and I have to bite our tongues, hug when we don’t mean it, and smile at each other, to demonstrate to our children that reconciliation is possible.

What I am trying to demonstrate from this story is that change is possible.  Changing yourself, changing your current situation, changing your circumstances.  I am rebuilding myself.  I am deciding the type of person, parent, spouse, friend, etc that I would like to be.  I’m not nailing it by any means on a daily basis, but I can see now that I have choices.  I can choose what my children’s childhood experiences can be like.  They are not having the same experience that I did.  That in and of itself, is hugely positive.  Estrangement provides us with an opportunity to process our difficult pasts, accept the fact that we were dealt a terrible hand, and choose to move through the trauma and create the person or family that we wish we had.  It’s so hard, and I feel like I will be on my deathbed and still figuring it out, but I am at least willing to try for myself and those around me.  That hope, that feeling that there is happiness, peace, and unconditional love, and that you can be part of creating it out of something as painful as estrangement is possible. 

We need to do the hard work together.