Estrangement and Our Name

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I have two young children whom I have referenced many times throughout my columns over the years.  Recently, my daughter, who just turned seven, came home from school and said, “I don’t like my name.”  It definitely caught me off guard.  I immediately asked her why, and if someone had made a cruel comment to her at school.  And in typical seven-year-old fashion, she said “no, I just don’t like it anymore.” 

When I found out I was pregnant with my first child, my husband told me that he already thought of both boy and girl names.  They were names he had wanted for his children since he was a child himself.  Both names are unique but very meaningful.  And although I admit they weren’t my first choices, now I can’t imagine them being called anything else.  And both of them have my maiden name as their middle name.  I kept my maiden name after marriage; and my children having my maiden name makes me feel more connected to them and them to my side of the family.  The ironic part is that they have not met a single family member of mine.

For those that don’t know, I am completely estranged from my family, and I have been for many years.  So, my last name is the last connection that I have to them.  Luckily, I married someone who didn’t demand that I adopt his last name.  Someone who understood why it was so important that I retained my birth name.  And after 10+ years of marriage, I still correct people who introduce me by my husband’s last name.  I sign emails with my maiden name.  I scrutinize wedding invitations to see how I am addressed.  And this behavior has no reflection on my husband or how I feel about our marriage, our commitment, or our future; but it has everything to do with my identity. 

When examined this way, I can make sense of why I’m so steadfastly attached to preserving my birth name.  But on the flip side, sometimes I question my logic, and wonder why I would want to retain any connection to those family members that caused trauma I am still struggling to process a decade later?  Both sides of the argument are correct.  I understand that there may be those, like me, who are desperate to retain their family name as a way to solidify their identity within their family.  That before the estrangement, you once belonged to this particular group of people.  That you were not always drifting aimlessly out there in the world on your own, which is the feeling estrangement sometimes creates.  But understandably, there are those that want to do everything possible to distance themselves from those that caused extreme and unforgivable pain. 

Estrangement is an extremely difficult process to navigate; and is full of confusion, loneliness, frustration, and anger.  In whichever way you choose to heal yourself on this journey, it’s clear that there is no correct way to think, feel, or process.  You may cling to reminders of your family like a last name, heirlooms, pictures, or sentimental items to maintain a sense of closeness; or you may purge every item that reminds you of them from your life.  Whichever path you choose, being honest about your intentions will help you achieve a degree of peace and hopefully help make this difficult journey a little easier.