When we think of the words “harmony” and “conflict” in regards to relationship dynamics, there is an automatic assumption that the first is good and the second bad. But that is without any further context. Add one simple descriptive adjective in front of each and they read much differently.
Which of the two now described would reflect a healthy relationship: “dishonest harmony” or “honest conflict”?
Many of us who are now estranged are very well acquainted with the dynamic of dishonest harmony even if we are not familiar with the term. It’s where all relational conflict or tension - especially if generated by the behaviors of parents or caregivers - is swept under the rug and ignored. It’s the “shut up and smile” and “everything is good here” approach to relationship management by those in the authority position.
Nearly all of us in the estrangement community can likely cite a plethora of examples of this playing out within our families of origin. Some of these may be indirect and unspoken family rules, some are directly stated demands and most of us likely have experiences of both.
It is everything from the “no back talk” and “don’t rock the boat” in childhood to observing the deliberate shifting of topics as an adult in the attempt of family members to avoid discussion of uncomfortable relational truths all the way to the directly avoidant, “Let’s just meet for dinner somewhere, not talk about family problems, just current activities and plans, that would be fine.”
Such individual instances and invitations can seem innocuous, but in fact are far from it. They are part of the larger pattern of avoidance and sweeping of conflict under the rug. Once that conversational shift is left unchallenged or that “nice family dinner” invite in the midst of relational discord is accepted, the return to the conversation around the ongoing conflict becomes much more difficult. And that is precisely the intent behind them.
The precedent and expectation has then been set - the now unspoken commentary is: “See: we can get along without bringing up all that other stuff. Why do you always insist on ruining things? Let’s just move on.”
Nothing gets discussed, feelings and experiences remain suppressed, the dysfunction remains entrenched and the emotional toll increases. These seemingly small events accumulate into poised avalanches of barely contained relational turmoil. That is, until there is a triggering event - the “straw that breaks the camel’s back” or, to keep the prior analogy intact, a nearly imperceptible tremor that sets off the avalanche. Once that avalanche is unleashed, the relational landscape is forever altered - even after the snow melts away.
On the other side of this is honest conflict.
The term is not about being in a constant state of friction with the people in our lives. It is about understanding that conflict is simply a part of relationships and needs to be acknowledged and addressed accordingly. Those that feature dependency and high emotional connectivity - as in families currently or previously living under one roof - will naturally experience ongoing ruptures, mis-attunements and disconnections.
It is in the everyday interactions of coexistence - from the we’ve asked you to pick up after yourself exchange with your child to the are we really fighting over the air conditioning again? with your spouse.
The ways in which families interact with each other in and after these exchanges matter. Realizing and resolving the emotional injuries that occur during these micro-moments of conflict is what helps keep them from accumulating and piling up into the potential avalanches of unresolvable and unexplainable resentments.
It’s when families get stuck in patterns of toxic behaviors in these everyday interactions with other members who are resistant to efforts to call attention to or resolve them - or even to talk about them - that then builds into systemic dysfunction. If the everyday conflicts cannot be managed, what hope exists for there to be a family skill set to handle the larger ones?
In any family, it is the role of the parents to understand this and establish healthy relationship dynamics with each other and with their children - and then to foster, nourish, adjust and maintain those healthy dynamics as the relationships naturally evolve over time. As individuals estranged from our families, it is likely our parents weren’t capable or willing to do this - and thus dishonest harmony became the norm vs honest conflict.
Addressing these micro-conflicts isn’t about assigning blame or calling out character flaws. It is simply about acknowledging a charged situation in the moment or soon thereafter before anger and hurt starts to build and fester. This is especially important to do with our own children and demonstrate that not only can we take responsibility for our behavior as parents and recognize the impact that it can have on them, we honor that they have their own voice to tell us how they feel and how they feel they are being treated. We let them know that these are open conversations that can be had at any time and raised by any member of the family. All voices are important and deserve to be heard.
From a parenting style perspective, it is about making the shift from the authority/discipline-lens that is the prevailing cultural norm to one that is relationship-based. Every interaction - EVERY interaction - is an expression of the relationship dynamics in place and reflects the disposition of the caregiver towards adult/child power hierarchies. (This can also be true within sibling dynamics as well based on relational patterns, hierarchies or triangulations).
“Conversations and relationships go hand in hand. In fact, one does not exist without the other. The relational call and response is the driving force of parenting. How we respond [to our children] shapes their interaction with us. All relationships emerge from the constant back and forth of relating.” - Saliha Bava, PhD, Author & Marriage and Family Therapist
It can be a simple act of immediate ownership such as: You know what, I realize I snapped at you just now and I didn’t mean to, but I definitely did. It wasn’t fair, it’s not accurate to anything you did or how I should have reacted and I shouldn’t have done so.
Or a bit more in-depth revisit and exploration of a recent incident: Things got a little heated earlier this morning when we were getting ready to leave for school, how were you feeling when that was going on? How are you feeling now? Can we talk about it? What can we each do differently next time? Here’s what I am going to do next time: [different action based on the conversation]
In my family of creation, we call them “clearings.” After a relational rupture, any one of us can ask for a clearing or inquire if one is needed. As an established practice, it is understood that the purpose of the request is to talk things through if necessary and, importantly, to determine if there are any residual feelings that need to be acknowledged or expressed.
Conflict is uncomfortable. Emotionally immature people seek to avoid and hide from it at all costs - unwilling to even contemplate, let alone recognize or acknowledge, the devastating harm that such perpetual avoidance ends up inflicting upon relationships.
But what we model around conflict in our relationships with others - and most especially with our own children - establishes what is accepted and expected in that dynamic. Similarly, being open to being called out on and adjusting our own behaviors allows our loved ones to know that they are, in fact, safe with us, that we are able to hear them, that we value them and the relationship.
Unfortunately, many of us understand that this is - and was - not possible with our families of origin. Whether in the lead up to estrangement or in various attempts at reconciliation, calling out the behaviors and incidents that were hurtful may well have resulted in denials or gaslighting: What do you mean? When did I ever do or say that? I don’t know what you are talking about. When so many of us have been the scapegoat for the family dysfunction, even attempting to address co-responsibility for relational conflict has nowhere to go but lopsided blame and more dysfunction.
As is in so many aspects of estrangement, there can be no dialogue or moving forward in these exchanges if there is no admission of the relational dynamics that have been in play. And the longer they have been in play, the more discussion and unpacking there needs to be to resolve and set new patterns. Dysfunctional families are unwilling to do this.
There has to be equal engagement in the clearing and the individual who is expressing the hurt from the incident or pattern of behavior must be acknowledged and validated for there to be resolution. Deep wounds that are inflicted and compounded over time, such as what we experienced in our families of origin, cannot be resolved through a single clearing but require much more dedicated care and attention to address. The fact that there is no acknowledgement, let alone the appetite within the family system to put in the honest labor to self-evaluate and change, is why we walked away.
In our own families, establishing the ongoing practice of noticing and addressing the micro-conflicts as they occur is what helps to create the emotional safety and relational resilience that can serve as the “ounce of prevention” against the build up of destructive resentments and dysfunction.
It is what helps divert from what we have all experienced as the magnifying effect of hurt upon hurt from exchange after exchange of feeling unheard and unimportant igniting into flames and then fires of relational disharmony that are then much harder to manage or extinguish.
Implementing this requires self-awareness of our own behaviors and emotions. For those of us with children of our own, it is also about learning how to be the safe space for them that we never had for ourselves.
Parents “have to notice even small expressions of emotion in order to connect with their kids - when they get a little bit sad, a little bit fearful, when they are angry, when they are upset.” -John Gottman
John Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute which boasts 50+ years of relationship research spanning romantic relationships as well as parent/child, defines two types of parents as it relates to their approach to emotions in children: emotion dismissing/ disapproving and emotion coaching. Understanding these distinctions is valuable not just for guiding our children/families as they experience life in general, but also - and importantly - in our interactions with them when there are tensions or relational ruptures.
The characteristics of these parents are:
Emotion dismissing/disapproving parents
“Don’t notice lower intensity emotions
See negative emotions as toxic
Believe thinking about feelings is harmful or a waste of time
React with negativity and may punish a child for just being angry even if there is no misbehavior”
Emotion coaching parents
“Notice lower intensity emotions
See emotions as an opportunity to connect
Prioritize understanding and empathy
See emotional communication as a two way street
Help children verbally label their emotions
Recognize that all feelings and wishes are acceptable, but not all behaviors are acceptable
Focus on understanding [the child and their emotional state] before offering advice, problem solving or taking action”
The emotionally dismissing/disapproving parents internalize a child who is expressing anything other than cheerfulness and happiness within the dynamic as reflecting negatively on their parenting. It is a fragile, ego-centric lens through which they interpret their children’s behavior and emotional state. They are the ones who quickly jump to attempts to change the child’s emotion - or at least their outward emotional expression - when in those “negative” states. It’s the Stop crying; Don’t be so sensitive; Nobody likes a crybaby.
“Children want to be heard, not fixed.” -Sven Erlandson, Badass Counseling
The emotion coaching parent sees the emotional state as communication and natural expression. They understand that feelings are magnified for children and teens learning what it is like to experience them and see the exchanges as opportunities to support while building trust, safety and authentic connection. When those emotional states arise inside the relational dynamic as a result of an interaction, it is even more important to be attuned to the feelings being evoked and the impact to the relationship itself.
“Relationships shrink to the size of the field of repair,” says Rick Hanson, psychologist, author and co-host of the Being Well Podcast.. “A bid for a repair is one of the sweetest and most vulnerable and important kinds of communication that humans offer to each other. And implicit in that repair is the valuing of the relationship. That’s an important thing to communicate.”
It is something especially important to communicate within families and modeled from parent to child - to prioritize demonstrating the value of the relationship and the commitment that we, as parents to our own children, have to fostering and nourishing that relationship. To convey that we do not expect a relationship with us to be a given or something imposed, but something we are responsible to actively tend to. That modeling then extends to other relationships within and beyond the family.
As we are all too aware, children learn to believe in their own worth based upon how they are treated by others and especially by their caregivers and immediate family- and what is conveyed to them in those everyday minute moments of relationship scuffles can have the most lasting impact.
We know we can’t resolve what we didn’t experience in our families of origin, but we can find and incorporate better tools to implement with our own families of creation as part of our cycle breaking arsenal.
So let’s fight. A different kind of fight.
An ongoing one where we know that what we are fighting for is not to BE right, but to DO right by ourselves and our own families of creation. And that means not shying away from conflict or tension, but rather being comfortable IN the discomfort OF it.
It is embracing the opportunities it brings to establish with and for our loved ones what we never had: safety, security and the warmth and connection of being valued through being seen and heard. Even - no, especially - in moments of conflict. As we who are estranged from our families of origin know, quality relationships don’t just happen, they are deliberately forged by those who face that which causes others who are less emotionally aware, courageous or intentioned to run and hide.
“The quality of our relationships determines the qualities of our lives.” - Esther Perel, MFT, relationship therapist
[Please note: The educational columnist is not a licensed mental health professional. The articles under this series are written from a peer to peer perspective.]
Sources:
Gottman, John. Emotion Coaching: The Heart of Parenting, Gottman Institute, Online Course. 2020.
Bava, Saliha & Green, Mark. The Relational Book for Parenting. Think Play Partners. 2018. ISBM: 978-1979378659
Hanson, Rick. Being Well Podcast. Episode 42: Repairing Relationships. October 29, 2018.
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