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[With the observance of “Perfect Family Day” on July 18, this month’s educational series explores the fallacy of the “perfect family” concept, shares research around the reasons for estrangement and discusses how we can create a better model for ourselves.]
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou
A well regarded columnist in a recent edition of their e-newsletter shared two distinct reflections of what Angelou’s words evoke - both equally valid and impactful.
On the one hand, there is the feeling we get when we see or think about someone in our lives that evokes “a distillation of all previous encounters” where a “deep, inarticulate part of [our] being remembers how they treated, reacted to and made [us] feel.” While on the other, there is in fact a very distinct remembrance of things they specifically said or did where the impact is so significant that the feeling “lingers for decades.” (1)
As individuals who voluntarily estranged ourselves from some combination of our family members, we are well acquainted with both types of experiences - both the visceral concentrated distillation as well as the specific painful memories. Culture assumes that nostalgic reflections cast a backwards halo of an idyllic childhood and warm family memories. The perfect family. However, our experience provides a keen awareness that there is no such thing.
In fact, a recent post on an estranged family forum posed an even less demanding question, “what’s it like having normal parents?” The consensus of response was to the effect of no idea, but we know we didn’t have them. As one commenter noted: “‘Normal’? Not a thing. We have extreme cases of awful parenting. No one's perfect though.”
Forget perfection, a good or even decent family of origin would be desirable for those of us who have had to walk away from some or all of our own. Whatever that may look like individually, it would likely come down to simply feeling emotionally safe, valued for who we are and cared for enough for members to engage in the emotional labor to change harmful behaviors and repair damaged relationships.
The concept of the perfect family is an illusion, a facade that nonetheless permeates culture. The reality is that, underneath many of those “perfect family” facades is a tense and tenuous existence based upon maintaining dishonest harmony - an unspoken insistence by parents/family to pretend everything is fine when it most assuredly is not. It’s the refusal to acknowledge the cracks in poorly laid relational foundations where those ignored and unaddressed fissures continue to widen and then begin to crumble.
In dishonest harmony, it’s the “don’t look behind the curtain” mandate to all involved. The image of the family is more important than the experience of its members. It is the avoidance of issues or conflicts to “keep the peace” - but it is an entirely false peace bought at the expense of authentic connection and emotional safety. It is where the family member who dares to sound the alarm on the pending relational collapse is shamed into tolerance or silence.
The tug of war around the truth between that member and the family they removed themselves from adds to the challenge and stigma around estrangement. However, understanding what the body of research on estrangement reveals about these competing realities can bring both clarity and comfort.
An oft-cited study (2) within the field of academic research on parent/adult child estrangement examined the reasons given by estranged parents as compared to those of estranged adult children. The study found:
“Within each category [of reasons that were identified], the frequency of parents’ and children’s reasons for estrangement differed significantly from each other. Parents reported that their primary reason for becoming estranged stemmed from their children’s objectionable relationships or sense of entitlement, whereas adult children most frequently attributed their estrangement to their parents’ toxic behavior or feeling unsupported and unaccepted. Parents also reported that they were unsure of the reason for their estrangement significantly more often than did children.
For many parents, estrangement was the result of external circumstances; if absent, estrangement would likely have not occurred. In contrast, children cited significantly more intrapersonal reasons for their estrangement, signifying that children viewed their reason for estrangement as a consequence of the characteristics of their parents; an unfortunate but inevitable ending, barring significant personality changes.” [emphasis added]
For those of us who removed ourselves from our families, the disparity of these findings is hardly surprising. The inability/unwillingness to take accountability for the harmful relationship dynamics was ultimately the reason we needed to walk away. Without acknowledgement of what we experienced, there can be no change. The study simply reveals through academic rigor what we already knew.
Another predictable finding the study revealed is the significant statistical variation between estranged parents and estranged adult children in assigning specific attribution. The study further articulated the “don’t know/unsure" category disparity stating, “Parents often speculated or listed multiple ‘options’ as reasons for estrangement, whereas children were much more convinced as to the reason they were estranged from their parents.”
Whether conscious or unconscious, the “don’t know/unsure” responses of these parents seems to reflect an intense aversion to acknowledging that they have not created a “perfect family” and a corresponding unwillingness to admit to themselves or others their leading role in the failed relationship - one that is assumed by culture to be permanent and inviolate, thereby making the sting of failure all the more intolerable.
Peruse any estranged parent forum and these denials of comprehension will be an easily apparent and consistent theme. The blog posts “the missing missing reasons” and “when the missing reasons aren’t missing,” explores this rabbit hole of estranged parents forums and the pervasive denials found therein. The reality is, when probed for more details around the relationship, these parents can be found to be well aware of areas of ongoing tension and conflict.
Another recent study bears this out. An online survey gathered responses of over 1,000 mothers who reported being estranged from one or more of their adult children to explore their attributions for the estrangement.
Here again, “these mothers tended to endorse external attributions for the estrangement.” They found as well that, “mothers were less likely to endorse internal attributions for estrangement compared with external attributions or to validate their children’s complaints about abuse or neglect.” (3)
Frequently, the individuals who initiated the estrangement are asked to have empathy for their parents or family members in order to heal these rifts. However, the study points out, “adult children often cite abuse, poor parenting, betrayal, and parental indifference as reasons for estrangement. Often feelings of disconnection from the parent and family exist for many years prior to estrangement. While adult children may express empathy for parents and an understanding of the stressors they have faced (e.g., domestic violence, substance abuse), they are more likely to emphasize that traits of the parent caused the hurtful behavior that precipitated their decision.”
Some additional findings from the research:
“Most women (79.1%) believed that family members turning their children against them was among the causes of the estrangement. Endorsement of attributions to children’s spouse or partner (50.4%) had the highest frequency, followed by children’s other biological parents (37.2%), other family members (29.8%), and grandchildren (10.8%).
For estranged mothers with grandchildren, 18.9% believed that the causes included their adult children becoming parents and reported that 71.7% of estrangements happened after the birth of grandchildren.
About one third (35.7%) of women believed that the causes of estrangement included disagreements about values with the highest percentage within that (21.9%) being "other values" outside of sexuality, sexual orientation or religion.
Only 18.0% believed their own issues, including their physically abusive (1.2%), emotionally abusive (6.6%), or neglectful (13.7%) behavior, contributed to the estrangement. However, more were aware of children’s complaints about them.”
Other deflective attributions commonly cited by these estranged mothers include the belief that their children suffered from mental health issues during childhood with some among that cohort indicating their belief that the condition extends to their children’s adulthood.
Unsurprisingly, relatively few indicated suffering from any type of mental illness themselves. They believe themselves to be unaffected by any mental health conditions, but somehow their estranged children are, to no fault that could be attributed to them, the parent.
Rather than unsubstantiated claims of mental illness or deflective third party influence, the collective body of research finds that “the development of estrangement was a long and complex process, and probably not directly attributable to one primary factor.” (4)
The aforementioned long-term disconnection was found to be a backdrop to eventual estrangement among the majority of participants in another study. “Participants often described childhood disconnection as a feeling that they did not ‘belong’ to this family. [This experience] was recognized as a distinct lack of attention or presence by the parent or parents.” Certainly it is not possible to be a “perfect” family when members feel invisible and/or generally do not feel they are part of it.
Contrary to the assertions of many estranged parents that the decisions to estrange are made frivolously or as part of riding a “trend,” study after study - as well as the collective voices of estranged adult children - reveal that it was not a decision that was made lightly.
“Over time—and for many, cycles of estrangement and reunification—[participants who decided to estrange] described personal growth, an increased clarity about the relationship dynamics, increased distancing, and a developing understanding that they had little power to change the parent. At some point, [those] in cyclical relationships decided that nothing would change, and that their relationship with the parent was beyond repair.”
Another common thread of denials of parental responsibility for estrangement that pervades the conversation is the accusation of a shift in family values. The idea being that the “traditional” bonds of family have eroded within a culture that no longer assigns worth on maintaining them.
Here again, the contrary is true. For those who have had to make the deliberate choice to walk away, the longing for authentic family bonds and connection is deeply and keenly felt. It is precisely for that reason that the decision to do so is a last resort undertaken only when those largely self-directed journeys of growth and discovery reveal that there is no opportunity to repair what the other party won’t admit they have damaged or broken.
In another study examining the experience of adult children who estranged themselves from their families, it was found that “participants often felt it unjust that they had to make the final decision, and take the actions to change the relationship status.”
Additionally, while “the vast majority of participants said that they missed having ‘a family’, they were often quite adamant that they did not miss ‘their family’, and particularly the issues that led to the estrangement.”(5)
Oftentimes, the estrangement with parents leads to further estrangement with siblings and other extended family members - whether through the complicity of those family members in the harmful dynamics, an unwillingness to challenge family pressures or simple avoidance of involvement in the conflict. In those instances, it has been reported that “estranging other relatives was often a sad but necessary aspect of maintaining parental estrangement.”
Far from being flippant, spur of the moment decisions, the determination to estrange is part of a very long and considered process with understanding that the ripple effects extend far and wide. Nonetheless, the level of harm involved in staying in those relationships that have no hope of changing or resolving make the decision a necessary one.
We who estranged ourselves are very well aware that there are no perfect families and that the false pretense of perfect is the very real enemy of actual good. We understand, after years and years of our own continuing journeys, that embracing, owning and admitting to our imperfections is the key to building relationships that last and can weather the wear and tear that emotional intimacy necessarily entails. It is understanding that we need to learn and model what we never experienced or was never demonstrated for us.
For many, the philosophy of Kintsurukoi or “golden repair” resonates - the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold, silver or platinum. It is about taking what needs mending and not only putting it back together, but making it stronger and more beautiful through the deliberate, sustained and intentional process of repair.
So no, there are no perfect families here. Nor was there ever expected to be.
What we are resolved to build with our own families of choice is a creation of mutual design and effort. One that is understood to be comprised of intentional and ever evolving adjustments - whose ongoing mending and repair is built upon foundations that are far more solid for having been consistently, openly and deliberately tended to than anything we experienced with our families of origin.
What we will see in that “golden repair” as we move ourselves and our own chosen families along the journey will reflect the openness, accountability and vulnerability that we all bring collectively to it.
“If you didn’t come from a healthy family, make sure a healthy family comes from you.” - Unknown
The next article in the July series will delve further into how.
Sources:
Kareem Abdul Jabaar, Substack Newsletter, Kareem’s Daily Quote: “Maya Angelou speaks to being mindful of what impression we leave people with,” July 2, 2024
Carr, Kristen; Holman, Amanda; Abetz, Jenna; Koenig Kellas, Jody; and Vagnoni, Elizabeth, "Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement: Comparing Reasons of Estranged Parents and Adult Children in a Non-matched Sample" Journal of Family Communication (2015). DOI: 10.1080/15267431.2015.1013106
Schoppe-Sullivan, S. J., Coleman, J., Wang, J., & Yan, J. J. (2021, September 16). “Mothers’ Attributions for Estrangement From Their Adult Children.” Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice. Advance online publication. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000198
Kylie Agllias (2015): “Disconnection and Decision-making: Adult Children Explain Their Reasons for Est ranging from Parents,” Australian Social Work, DOI: 10.1080/ 0312407X.2015.1004355
Kylie Agllias (2017): Missing Family: The Adult Child’s Experience of Parental Estrangement, Journal of Social Work Practice, DOI: 10.1080/02650533.2017.1326471
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