I feel guilt every day....

This month, the advice columnist answers a question about siblings and estrangement.

Q: I’m estranged from my mum (4 years), her choice not mine (although for the best, given her mental health is terrible, she is a prolific hoarder, in turn I experienced neglect- dirty clothes, out of date food etc.) but my little (and only) half-sister is 19yrs younger than me, she just turned 14 & lives with my mum. I feel guilt every day that I haven’t intervened, or am able to see my sister. Family don’t agree with my mum but say nothing. What do I do?

A: Hi friend, thank you for writing in.

First of all: I’m glad you are out of a bad situation. However it happened, whatever the path you took, I’m truly happy for you that you got from there to here.

Before we dive in, I think it might be helpful for me to talk a bit about the context I’m bringing to this question. In my family of origin, I was by far the youngest sibling. My brothers were grown and gone by the time I was born, and aside from the occasional visit, they mostly loved me from a distance — even though it became increasingly clear as I grew up that this wasn’t going to be a ‘second chance for our parents to get it right’ kind of story.

One of my brothers did try to stand up for me when I was eight and he was in his 20s, though he’d waited until I was out of the house for the day so I wouldn’t get drawn into the fight: That got him iced out of the family for a year, and held at a distance for a long time after that. 

My other brother decided that avoiding any conflict with our parents about how they were raising me, even when he could see that I was hurting, was the best way to be sure that he’d be allowed to have a relationship with me at all. 

Now that I’m an adult and my relationship with my brothers is on our own terms, we’ve talked about this: The tradeoffs, the costs, the ways they tried to be there for me even when their options were so limited. 

I’ll admit, at first, I was a little bit angry with them. I was angry that they hadn’t found another path (even though I know, logically, there really wasn’t one); I was angry that I’d spent so much of my childhood feeling like nobody cared what happened to me behind closed doors, when all that time my brothers had secretly been on my side.

But I want you to know that this anger is a vanishingly small part of the relationship I have with my brothers today. It exists — I did feel it — but it doesn’t define us, because I am so proud of them, and so glad to be their sibling. 

They gave me all the support they had to offer, even when it wasn’t much.

They loved me, even when we were all far away. 

Most importantly, they set an example for me to follow: They got out and built wonderful, happy, good lives for themselves, and when I grew up I got to follow in their footsteps. 

I can’t know how your half-sister feels about you now, or how she will feel about your sibling relationship when you’re both adults who can decide what ‘family’ means on your own terms. 

I can tell you that one of the best things my brothers ever did for me was to blaze the trail away from our family of origin. 

Now, let’s look at your specific situation.

Most of the time, when I answer questions for this advice column that have to do with minors/people who do not inherently have the right to leave their home situation (e.g., adults under guardianship), I focus on the kinds of ‘lawful but awful’ environments where the authorities and the justice system aren’t going to intervene to change that.

Before we go any farther, let’s stop and deal with that very important question: To the best of your knowledge, is your sister unsafe* (*for a social services/state intervention definition of ‘unsafe’)?

Do you have reason to believe that your sister is being denied access to enough food, appropriate clothing, a physically safe place to live, and/or access to medical care when she needs it?

If you know that any of those things are going on right now, I would strongly encourage you to reach out to social services/child protection services in your area, and file a report on your sister’s behalf. I know this isn’t a simple thing to consider: I don’t suggest this lightly. But if you know or believe that a young teenager you care about is in danger, that isn’t something you can carry — or fix — on your own.

But let’s say this isn’t that situation. It might still be bad, it might still be hurtful or harmful, but the authorities aren’t going to intervene and you can only play the hand you’re dealt. 

What kind of a sibling do you want to be to her?

You said that you’re not able to see your sister right now — are you in touch with her in other ways (phone, email, social media, etc.), or is there no communication at all?

If you are in touch with her, just being a steady and supportive presence in her life is an incredibly meaningful thing to be able to offer. 

And if you’re not able to be in touch or have any kind of a relationship with her right now, that is not the end of the story — she might reach out to you,  and/or you might reach out to her once it’s safe (for both yourself and for her) to do so without those lines of contact being mediated through your mum. 

Either way, I want you to spend some time thinking about what kind(s) of support you’d be able to offer.

There is no right or wrong answer to this — we all have different capacities, which fluctuate depending on the situation and the people involved — but the more specific you can be (even just in your own mind), the better. 

To get you started, here are some prompts to consider:

• Is there a safe method of communication that your sister is using/can use to get in touch with you (now, or in the future)? 

  • If so, how often are you (reliably, sustainably) able to respond to her? Daily? Weekly? Once in a while? Are you someone she could put down as an emergency contact if she needs one? What kinds of things are you comfortable talking about with her? Do you live close by/could you see each other in person? 

• In a few years’ time, do you want to be involved in helping your sister establish herself as an independent adult? This might involve things like advice and guidance, as well as financial or housing support. 

  • If so, how much? For how long? For specific purposes, or with no strings attached? What can you afford? How would you feel if she used your support on something you disapprove/disagree with? Would you want to offer this kind of support no matter what, or only if she’s leaving home?

And, again, for all of these: It’s fine if the answer is ‘yes.’ It’s fine if the answer is ‘no.’ It’s fine if the answer is ‘this much and no more.’ It is so much better to be clear about that, than to over-promise and under-deliver and/or become resentful because you’re doing more than you’re actually comfortable with doing. 

Finally, I know how concerned you are about your sister, and I want you to be taking good care of yourself, too. If you’re not seeing a therapist, I think that could be a really important and valuable resource for you in the months and years ahead. The care you’re showing for your sister is both reasonable and profoundly kind. But the kind of overwhelming guilt you’re feeling — especially when there’s so little you can actually do right now — is a lot for one person to hold, and you shouldn’t have to do it alone. After all, ‘let’s make sure the young people in our communities are doing okay’ isn’t your unique responsibility: This is a group project, you’re doing the best you can. That’s all that anyone can ask.

Take good care,

Hila