Advice column #22: I can't keep her in my life any longer
- Julia Peterson
- Nov 5
- 10 min read
This month, the advice columnist answers a question ending a relationship with a parent.
Q: I would like to disown my mother completely. I know other people have more serious family problems than I do and my situation does not seem as bad, but regardless, I can’t keep her in my life any longer. I’m only 17 but I become an adult this year and I would like to start the process of cutting her out financially, legally, and emotionally as soon as possible. However I’m unsure as to how I can do this and I need help.
A: Hi there, friend, I’m so glad you wrote in.
You know, I always find it really interesting when someone says that ‘maybe my situation doesn’t seem so bad, because other people have it worse.’
After all, technically, there has only ever been family in the entire history of the human species that say they had the ‘most serious’ problems — for all the rest of us, there’s always someone out there who’s had it worse, right?
But what have those other people got to do with you? If I trip and fall and break my leg, should I refuse to go to the hospital and get an x-ray and a cast just because my brother uses a wheelchair? Should my brother have to give up his wheelchair just because he can walk sometimes (though not all the time), and other people can’t walk at all?
If you can’t keep your mother in your life any longer, then you can’t: Other people’s families have nothing to do with it. You are allowed to want your life to be different, for you. You are allowed to believe in a better future, for you. And you are allowed to move towards it.
[I’d also like to offer a little note, here, to anybody wondering why I’m not spending much time in this advice column talking about other options that don’t involve ending the relationship — repair, reconciliation, family therapy, etc. I’m quite sure that our dear letter-writer will find no shortage of advice on that front, if they want (and, let's be honest, even if they don’t want). I think they also deserve to have their question answered exactly as they asked it. It’s true that estrangement is rarely the only path available. It is also true that estrangement is always a path you are allowed to choose, and walk, and keep.]
The process of moving out and away comes with a whole lot of logistical checklists and considerations — for more details on that, I’m going to link to one of my previous advice column responses here.
But I also want to run through some of the really important stuff again, because it matters.
First, and most importantly: Right now, in your situation as it is, let’s do a safety check.
I hate that I'm going to have to put so many caveats on this. I really hate that, in the way that we’ve set up so much of our world and so many of our legal systems, there are so many homes and family relationships that are ‘lawful-but-awful,’ and the best option is to wait and get through it until you reach the age of majority.
But that isn’t always the case, and I’m not going to assume that it is.
If you are in imminent danger of serious harm, please do not wait to get help. If people in your family are physically hurting you (or threatening to do that), if you are being sexually abused, if you’re being denied things like food and shelter and medical care, if you are in danger or think you are going to be in danger between today and your 18th birthday, please don’t try to get through this alone. Go talk this through with somebody like your school counsellor or a youth program leader or any adult you trust as soon as you safely can. Call 911 if you have to.
Will it be easier to get away from your mother once you are 18? Yes, probably. But if you are in danger, you do have options now.
For the rest of this answer, though, I’m going to assume that you are more or less safe for right now — that if things stay as they are from right-now-today until you turn 18 later this year, your situation will still not be good but that you will be okay from now until then.
You also haven’t mentioned whether you have other parents/guardians in your life at this point — and, if you do, whether or not you think they’ll be supportive of your choice — so I’m going to focus only on the end of the relationship between you and your mother. (Just keep in mind that, if you do have other parents/guardians, some of this advice should be tweaked to account for them too).
When it comes to your legal ties to your mother — and I’ve got to be clear, here, that a) I am not a lawyer, and b) not your lawyer, so I’m not qualified to give you any specific legal advice — for most people and in most situations, when you turn 18, you are considered an independent adult by the government and the courts.
There are a few exceptions to this rule, including (and all of this will vary country by country, and jurisdiction by jurisdiction):
If you will be under guardianship, even after you turn 18
Guardianship is a specific legal status that generally has to be signed off on by medical doctors and a court, where one person is appointed to make certain types of decisions (e.g. medical decisions, financial decisions) for somebody who can’t make those decisions for themself.
If you are under guardianship and wanting to leave your family of origin, you are going to need a lot more specific advice than I’m going to be able to give you here: If that’s your situation, I’d recommend making an appointment with a lawyer to talk about options and next steps.
If you intend to pursue higher education, and are applying for financial aid
Especially (though, not only) in the United States, even once you’re old enough to be considered a full adult in the eyes of the law, colleges and universities will take your parents’ income into account when calculating how much financial aid you should get.
It is possible — though, I admit, usually not easy — to do this without parental participation. (More info here).
If you think this situation might apply to you, whether you’re in the middle of applying to colleges or getting ready to start the process, I’d recommend reaching out to each college’s financial aid office and asking them what they recommend for your situation. Tell them that you are escaping from an abusive home, you want to file for financial aid as an independent student, and you want to know what the steps would be to get a dependency status override.
They can talk you through what forms you need to fill out, and what kind of help they can offer.
I’d also suggest talking to your school’s guidance counselor/advisor/whoever’s job it is to help students plan their post-high-school next steps. They can help you map out the price range of various post-secondary options and how you might be able to bring some of the cost down (with scholarships, or credit transfers, or considering some different programs), and can also help you navigate the financial aid forms if you need.
If your mother reports you as a missing person
Look: Please don't just pack up your life and head out the door on your 18th birthday without telling anyone what’s going on. Unless you are in danger and have to get to safety right away (in which case, definitely do that! Safety first, always!), if your mother (and/or other people in your life) are expecting you to be in certain places at certain times, and won’t know what’s happened to you if you aren’t there anymore, they’re going to need to know at least a little bit about your plans.
This doesn’t have to be a debate, or even a discussion. You don’t have to give out your new address or contact details (if those are changing). All you need people to know is that you’re leaving, you’re doing this on purpose, and you’re not in serious trouble or dead in a ditch somewhere. Now, if you’ve done all that and you still get reported as a missing person, then you’ll have to get in touch with your local police station (that is, if they haven’t already got in touch with you). All the police need to know is that you are safe and well. Once they’ve touched base with you, and you’ve confirmed that you are OK and not actually missing, they will close the file. If they sent out a missing person alert, they will now cancel the alert. They are not allowed to tell your mother where you are or how to get in touch with you.
If you become unable to advocate for your own wishes, and your mother is your next-of-kin
Even once you’ve turned 18, depending on where you live, your mother might still be your legal next-of-kin. This could be important if you wind up in a situation where you can’t communicate your own wishes and somebody else needs to make important decisions (e.g., what kind of medical care you should get) on your behalf. If you die without a will, your next-of-kin also gets to decide what kind of a funeral you should have and what will happen to your body.
So! If you want to change this ‘default setting’ — to make sure your wishes are respected, and that the only people with power to make decisions on your behalf are people who you want to have that power — you’re going to need to fill out a couple of official documents. The specific document(s) you’ll need will depend on where you live, but if you Google [free legal resources] + [your area] + [healthcare directive] or [will], that should point you in the right direction for the paperwork you need, and some helpful templates. Again, depending on where you live, you might need to also get this signed by a notary to make it official. Once you’re done, though, the wishes and decisions you laid out in the documents are legally protected.
Most importantly, I want you to know this: You do not have to go at this alone.
For pretty much any important life-thing that you might want or need to do, there exists at least one (and usually more than one!) kind, supportive, well-informed person or organization who can help you Do The Thing — find an apartment, get a job, look into options for higher education, learn new skills, etc. …
For many young adults, their family of origin would be the first place they’d turn for advice or support on these sorts of things.
And maybe you’ve got people in your family of origin who aren’t your mother, and who can offer you some of this support, but maybe you don’t.
So I want you to think about who you do have in your corner; people who can help. This might be your school counsellor or a teacher or coach you trust; you can also google ‘organizations for youth + [thing you need help with} + [city]’ and see what sorts of programs and organizations that search turns up.
And then use them. Find out what they have to offer, and if it’s something you want or need, take advantage of it. They are here to help you. Let them help. If they don’t have the help you need, ask if they know who does! Especially while you are still a minor, that will unlock some resources for you that might not be available anymore after your 18th birthday, so use them while you can.Ask about what options exist for affordable housing in the area you want to be living in. There will probably be a waitlist, if you’re searching via an affordable housing program — so, get your name on that waitlist.
Ask about free, low-cost and sliding-scale-cost options for therapy — becoming a legal adult is a time of big life change no matter what you’ve got going on, and you’ve got a lot happening on top of that, and therapy can be one great way of taking care of yourself and making sure you’ve got a dedicated space to talk things through as they come up. If you’ve never been to therapy before, one thing you should know is that it might take a few tries to find a therapist who is a good fit for you. Especially when it comes to estrangement, I also know that some therapists have been trained to prioritize family reconciliations above all else, which can make for a frustrating or painful experience if that isn’t what you’re looking for right now. This is something you can ask your therapist about — the first session is a great time to do that — and see whether their answer feels right for you.
Ask about whether there’s a youth employment program that might be a good fit for your skills, interests and availability — whether that’s a part-time job you could do around your academic schedule, or a learn-on-the-job trades program, or a weekend gig, or something full time.
If you want to learn more about how to manage your money independently, ask if there are budgeting/personal finance classes you can sign up for.
If you need good, nutritious food to eat, and you don’t have enough money to cover your groceries, find out what your local food bank has to offer and how often you can pick up a hamper.
Et cetera, et cetera.
I often think about a conversation I had with a couple of search-and-rescue professionals a few years back, where they talked about how depressingly common it is for lost hikers to become dangerously dehydrated, and for rescuers to find them with their water bottle still partially full. Later, people who survived that experience tend to say that it’s because they were afraid their situation might get worse. ‘If I’m this thirsty now, and I feel this bad, how much worse am I going to feel in an hour or two? I should save the last of my water for then,’ is the in-the-moment logic.
And as my search-and-rescue friends would say to hikers — and so, I say to you now — don’t do that. It can feel so powerfully, essentially logical in the moment. It can be a hard instinct to fight. But saving your available resources for ‘later on, when it’s really really bad’ won’t help if you never get the chance to use them. Use them now, at (or closer to) the start of when you need them, so things don’t have to get that bad.
Then, when it comes time for you to walk out and start living a life independently of your mother, you will be as well-prepared as a person can be — and I think you’re going to do just great.
Take care,
Hila
Hila (any pronouns) is the Advice Columnist for the Together Estranged Newsletter. They have been happily estranged for a number of years, and now live with their chosen family and beloved, silly dog in rural Canada. They have a background in mental health, peer support, writing and journalism. Outside of work, Hila can be found recreating desserts from The Great British Bake Off, running on the beautiful trails near their home, singing show tunes, and learning to knit.
Please Note: The peer to peer Advice Columnist is not a licensed mental health professional; this is not medical advice. If you are in crisis or you think you may have an emergency, please go to your local urgent care center to talk to a professional counselor.
The views and opinions expressed by Advice Columnists are those of the Advice Columnists and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Together Estranged.