Advice column #19: "The situations aren't within my control."

This month, the advice columnist answers a question about sibling estrangement and reconciliation.

Q: My sister decided to cut off contact with me and my family without giving a reason. My own understanding of the situation is that she didn’t like me addressing her poor behaviour. My other sister is accepting of her behaviour and her decision to cut off contact from me which in turn is having a detrimental effect on our relationship. I feel the two situations aren’t within my control as I’m not proactively seeking out either.

A: Hi there friend,

Thank you for writing in with this excellent question.

When I think about the whole spectrum of ‘relationship’ that people might have — from estrangement on one end, to intentionally seeking out and strengthening connections on the others — I like to picture two neighbouring hotel rooms with a connecting door.

Your life is happening in Room #1, the other person’s life is happening in Room #2. And you each get to control whether your side of the door is locked or unlocked; open or closed. 

If you want this other person fully and completely in your life, you’ve thrown your side of the door wide open! If you want them in your life, but maybe at some distance, or only if they’ve taken some actions first, you might have left the door closed — they can still come in, but they’d have to knock first, or at least make their way over to the door and turn the handle on purpose. And if you don’t want them in your space at all, then you can turn the deadbolt and fasten the chain.

But this setup goes both ways, in hotel architecture as in real life — for the safety and well-being of everyone involved, both people have to agree to let each other into their room; their space; their presence.

---

In your situation — to continue the metaphor — it sounds as though the ‘connecting door’ between yourself and Sister #1 (numbered based on the order that you introduced your siblings in your question) was closed on your side, then locked on hers.

So the question I would ask is: How much of a relationship do you actually want with this sister? Do you feel that you’re really missing the relationship you might otherwise have wanted to have with her, or does being less present in each other’s lives feel like the right decision?

And if your answer(s) to these questions are starting from a place of “well, if only she’d change her ways and start acting differently …,” I’d invite you to put that aside for now, and consider only the person she is today in the world that we live in. Not the ‘hypothetically-could-have-been’ sister in a parallel universe. 

Because you don’t know if she’s ever going to be different than she is; you can’t control that. You can only control how you respond to the person who is living here in the world with you.

Now, without knowing what your sister actually said or did, or how you addressed things with her, there’s only so much specific advice I can give: ‘Poor behaviour’ can mean a lot of things, from the mildly annoying to the actively harmful. 

But if the thing(s) your sister does that you don’t like were more on the ‘irritating but ultimately harmless’ side of the spectrum here, and you decide you’d rather have her in your life as she is than not have her at all, you can open up your door and see if she ever wants to walk through.

As for communicating that with her, if that’s your desire and decision — I always find this is a tough balance to strike after someone has walked away from a relationship. You want to let them know about the information that might be relevant and important to them … and also, be able to take someone at their word when they’ve communicated ‘no, I don’t want to talk to you’ and not be trampling over that boundary any more than you absolutely have to. 

My general rule is, when there is important new information you have to share with someone who is estranged, do it once — then leave it (and them) alone.

Send your message in a way that requires the least amount of in-the-moment interaction & response on their part (I tend to think that email or a message on social media is the gold standard, here. A physical letter can also work, if you already know their address. A phone call comes with more pressure for them to respond in the moment. An in-person encounter would be the most invasive version of this).

Also avoid sending your message through a third party, like a friend or a relative you both have in common — you might well be putting that person in the middle of a situation they may not want to be a part of, and adding a whole new dynamic to all of these relationships.

If you don’t have any direct way of getting in touch with the person you want to reach, do not go fishing for details. If they have moved and changed their number and blocked your email since becoming estranged … they have made it very clear that they don’t want to hear from you at all, even for messages you think are important. Trust me: When an estranged relative of mine tried to track me down in the town where I now live, despite never having given him my address (and, in fact, having gone to some pains to keep it private), I didn’t feel cherished or cared for or open to conversation. I only felt scared, stalked, and less safe in my home.

Do not send your message to their workplace, even if that’s the only contact information you have. In my experience, employers tend to be quite sympathetic to the employee who’s getting calls/emails/visits they do not want to be having, but it’s nobody’s idea of a good day at work. 

Keep your message as brief and to-the-point as you can. For example:

Hi [sister]. I’ve been thinking about the last time we talked, and I realize now that it might have seemed like I didn’t want you to be part of my life. But I do. I miss you. If you want to talk, you can [best way of getting in touch with you here]. [If there’s an apology you need to make, or a point you need to clarify, you can do that here].

This general strategy also works well for other important messages that you want to send, like ‘our beloved Uncle Blank died last week and here is the funeral information,’ or ‘I’ve just been diagnosed with a medical condition that you might also want to get tested for,’ or ‘there’s a new baby in the family,’ or ‘if you ever want to repair the relationship with me, here’s what I would need to see from you.’

And then leave it alone. Leave her alone. You’ve said what you had to say: A dozen follow-ups are not going to give her any more information. You’ve done your part, she knows the thing, and now she gets to decide what (if anything) she is going to do about it.

---

On the other hand, if you decide that you wouldn’t want to have your sister in your life right now, even if she does someday decide to get back in contact — then you don’t have to invite her back in.

You can leave your side of the ‘door’ closed, going forward in your life without proactively seeking her out. If she wants to come and talk to you at some point in the future, she’ll have to (metaphorically) knock first, and at that point you can decide whether you want to open the door or keep her out. 

As for your other sister? Well, the same principles apply.

If you want her in your life (right now), keep the door open. If you don’t (right now), you can close it. She has the right to make the same decisions on her side. 

If you want to keep her in your life and nurture the relationship you have with her, it would probably help to tell her that in so many words, and ask her what she wants or needs from you that would help keep her side of the door open to you. Depending on what she says, you can decide whether giving her (some or all) of what she might ask for here is worth it to you. You can always change your mind.

How much ‘relationship’ another person wants to have with you is outside of your control — you’re absolutely right about that. But how much ‘relationship’ you want to have with them, how clearly you’ve communicated that want, and what actions you are (and are not) willing to take to help make that relationship happen are entirely up to you. 

Wishing you all the best,

Hila.

---

Hila (any pronouns) is the Advice Columnist for the Together Estranged Newsletter. They have been happily estranged for a number of years, and now live with their chosen family and beloved, silly dog in rural Canada. They have a background in mental health, peer support, writing and journalism. Outside of work, Hila can be found recreating desserts from The Great British Bake Off, running on the beautiful trails near their home, singing show tunes, and learning to knit.

---

Please Note: The peer to peer Advice Columnist is not a licensed mental health professional; this is not medical advice. If you are in crisis or you think you may have an emergency, please go to your local urgent care center to talk to a professional counselor.

The views and opinions expressed by Advice Columnists are those of the Advice Columnists and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Together Estranged.