This month, the advice columnist answers a question about being invited to family gatherings while estranged.
Q: I stopped speaking to my sibling after she tried once again to ruin a holiday event. I am low contact with my mom. My cousin reached out to invite me to her mom’s celebration of life. I told her I would go but I keep thinking that means I will have to be in the same room as my toxic sibling and I don’t want to be around her at all. Is it ok to bow out or just suck it up and go to my aunt’s celebration of life?
Hi there, anonymous friend!
Thanks so much for writing in, and I’ve got a short answer and a long answer for you, so let’s get into it.
Short answer:
Yes, it is OK for you to bow out of this.
An invitation isn’t an order, your presence isn’t mandatory, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.
(Just let your cousin know what your plans are as soon as you can, so she has the right head-count for the event.)
Long answer:
Yes, it is OK for you to bow out of this … but a bunch of people (including you) are probably going to have some big feelings about your decision, no matter what you choose.
One really common misconception about family estrangement is that going low- or no-contact with one person means being estranged from only that person.
But, in practice, it usually doesn’t work out so neatly — you’re still connected to all of the people in your extended family you want to maintain a relationship with, and so are the people you’re estranged from.
And that dynamic is never more visible than when big family gatherings (e.g. holidays, weddings, birthdays, memorials) come around, and ‘everyone’ is getting together under one roof.
Do you go, and put yourself in the same room as someone you’ve chosen not to have a relationship with?
Or do you stay away, and miss out on spending time with all these other people you would like to keep your relationship with?
And, of course, there are variations on this theme:
Are (some of) your extended family members using these events as a staging ground to try to get you and your estranged relatives to reconcile? How pushy have they been about this in the past? Have they listened, when you’ve asked (or told) them to back off?
How likely is it that someone (you, the person you’re estranged from, another family member with strong feelings about the situation) is going to make a scene, if you stay in the same room for long enough? If it’s likely, are you okay with that? Would the host be okay with that?
Will you be so stressed about being in the room with someone you don’t want to talk to that you won’t have a good time at all, or you won’t really be able to show up for the people this event is all about? Or will you mostly be able to ignore the person/people you don’t want to speak to, and still have a good time and show up in the way that you want to?
Was anybody counting on you to be there (to do a particular event-related task, or to show your support for them at a life cycle moment)? If you want to show up for that person, is there another way you can do it?
In this case, for your aunt’s celebration of life, it sounds to me like you want to:
Support your cousin
Participate in some sort of memorial for your aunt
Not be in the same physical location as your sibling
And I think all of those are very possible!
Maybe you could write your cousin a heartfelt letter with a few stories you shared with your aunt over the years and what she meant to you (and maybe enclose a few photos of her if you have those, too). You could even make a donation to a local organization in her honour, or pick up a few volunteer shifts for a cause she would have supported.
Particularly if you and your cousin live within easy travel distance, and you have the time and capacity for it, you can also offer to help out with some of the ‘grunt work’ that comes whenever a relative dies: Moving things into or out of storage, sorting paperwork, going through contact lists and address books to make sure that everyone is in the loop.
There are so many ways to say ‘I loved my aunt, and I love you, and I’m here for you,’ without you having to attend the celebration of life in person.
But these questions are going to come up again and again — there will always be more family gatherings and life cycle events. So, what do you want to do about the next big shindig that you and your sibling are both invited to?
Now, I’m a big believer in clear expectation-setting and direct communication — and for situations like this, when I’m making decisions about my own boundaries and talking to family-event-organizers about my plans, I like to use a framework called Need/Want/Will/Won’t (adapted from Scarleteen’s fantastic Want/Will/Won’t model of consent).
Need: If this thing/these things don’t happen, then we’re not going to be able to go forward together in this situation. These are not negotiable for me.
Want: This is my perfect, puppies-and-rainbows-and-kittens, ideal version of how I’d like this to go. I might not get everything I want — I can compromise on this — but it’s good to know what my best possible version is.
Will: These are things that aren’t necessarily part of my perfect version of events, but I can roll with them if they occur. These are compromises I’m okay with making.
Won’t: These are actions I will not take/places I will not go, etc. These are not negotiable for me.
To give you an example of how this works in practice, a few years ago, I was invited to the wedding of an extended family member. Two of my estranged relatives were also going to be there. So, was I going? And if so, what conversation(s) did I need to have with my hosts in advance?
Need: If I’m going to go to this wedding, I need to know if my estranged relatives are planning to attend (because, if I’d been left guessing up until the day-of, I would have been absolutely miserable). I need to be able to quietly duck out, if it gets to be too much for me (so, that means I’m not available for any sort of additional ‘helping out’ duties that mean I have to be available and in the room all night). I need to not be seated at the same table as them.
Want: I want to attend the wedding in person. I want to celebrate the happy couple, meet the new extended family, eat good food and dance the night away. I want my presence at the wedding to be a nice thing for the newlyweds, and not an extra source of stress. I want my estranged relatives to leave me alone, and I want to leave them alone.
Will: I am willing to be in the same room as my estranged relatives (I’d rather not be, but attending the wedding is more important to me). I am willing to not make a scene, even if I’m provoked. I am willing to not attend the wedding, if my presence would be stressful for the couple.
Won’t: I won’t reconcile with my estranged relatives, or pretend to reconcile, for the purpose of the wedding. I won’t have any more contact or conversation with them than I absolutely have to.
And, as it turned out, the newlyweds were able to take all this into consideration. They proactively seated me at a different table than my estranged relatives, kept me posted on the RSVP list for the day, and were absolutely okay with my plans to duck out for a while if I wanted to. One of my estranged relatives did try to corner me on the dance floor and push me to reconcile with him, but I declined to have that conversation with him (“Really?” I said, with a disappointed shake of my head that I’d been practicing in the mirror, just in case this moment came up. “You want to do this now, in the middle of the reception?”), and found somewhere else to be.
Was the whole thing more stressful for me than I would have wanted, in a perfect world? Absolutely. But at the end of the day, nothing happened that I wasn’t at least okay with, or willing to accept … and I was able to show up for the newlywed couple in a way that was very important to them, and to me.
Next time you have a family event on the horizon, you can try exploring this framework yourself.
Maybe it looks something like:
I want to go to this big family thing, spend time with my relatives, celebrate whoever we’re celebrating, have a great time and take lots of pictures. But I won’t be in the same room as my estranged sibling … so if the event organizer has invited them, I’m not going. I need to find some way to spend time with my relatives and nurture those relationships. So I will look for other ways to take care of those relationships, outside of family gatherings.
Redefining what it looks like in practice for you to be a part of your extended family is going to take some work — because right now there’s a ‘default’ way of doing things, and you need them to be different.
Whether that means taking the lead on organizing your own events, setting up more phone calls and coffee dates, or starting a new tradition of postcards and holiday letters, there are so many ways to tend to the relationships that you want to preserve, in a way that feels good for everyone involved.
Wishing you all the best,
Hila
Hila (any pronouns) is the Advice Columnist for the Together Estranged Newsletter. They have been happily estranged for a number of years, and now live with their chosen family and beloved, silly dog in rural Canada. They have a background in mental health, peer support, writing and journalism. Outside of work, Hila can be found recreating desserts from The Great British Bake Off, running on the beautiful trails near their home, singing show tunes, and learning to knit.
Please Note: The peer to peer Advice Columnist is not a licensed mental health professional; this is not medical advice. If you are in crisis or you think you may have an emergency, please go to your local urgent care center to talk to a professional counselor.
The views and opinions expressed by Advice Columnists are those of the Advice Columnists and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Together Estranged.
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