Family estrangement comes with hardship, struggling with mental health, and maybe some diagnoses you were not expecting.
Whether your estrangement is fresh or a few decades old, it is a part of life we learn to live with. But, living with estrangement will not always be as painful if we find the right information and resources. Healing is a journey and it does get better.
About a year and a half ago, I went no contact with my family. It was a difficult decision, as I am sure you know, and the process of navigating life after this decision was extremely challenging. However, I was able to find answers through research. When I couldn’t sleep, my head spinning, my heart aching, I would pull out my phone and start looking for answers. I Googled trauma, how I was feeling, and what I thought might have been the problem. This led me to information on Complex PTSD (CPTSD), and eventually to a diagnosis. I read article after article, finding validation in the lists of symptoms and the experiences described (be cautious, however, as Googling can lead to anxiety and sometimes finding inaccurate information). I was able to find clarity in what I was experiencing, knowing for the first time they were symptoms and not just me being “crazy”. It wasn’t all in my head. I wasn’t making it up.
There are two sides to this though. One is validating and brings a sense of relief, while the other is having to accept what happened to me and the reality of which I live now.
What I’ve found is that estrangement is not a hopeless path or anything to be ashamed of. In fact, it can be a journey of self-discovery, healing, and building a world that better serves you. The beginning of that journey, for me, was learning about what was going on in my brain and my body, so I could start learning to care for them - caring for myself. Below, I provide some information on CPTSD and tips for navigating symptoms that so many people who are estranged experience. This is an informational article that will hopefully assist you in your own journey, but I recommend seeking professional assistance and other resources if you are struggling with these or are seeking a diagnosis.
Healing happens at your own pace. The information below is heavy and can be hard to handle, so explore this as it suits you.
So, what is Complex PTSD and how does it relate to estrangement?
Complex PTSD (CPTSD) is caused by recurring or long-term traumatic events. In the context of estrangement, this can include childhood abuse and neglect, domestic violence, sexual abuse, and more. You can also develop CPTSD if you experienced a trauma at a young age, were harmed by someone close to you, or were unable to escape a traumatic situation. Complex PTSD is different from PTSD as it is characterized by prolonged trauma instead of a single traumatic event.
The symptoms of CPTSD share those with PTSD, but also include feelings of worthlessness, shame, and guilt, problems regulating emotions, finding it hard to connect with others, and struggling with relationships. There are 4 types of PTSD symptoms: re-experiencing, avoidance, negative thoughts and mood, and feeling on-edge and reactive.
Re-experiencing:
Disturbing memories and nightmares
Flashbacks (feeling or acting as if the event is happening again)
Becoming very upset when something reminds you of the event
Persistent avoidance:
Avoiding places, people, or conversations that remind you of trauma
Avoiding thoughts, feelings, or memories associated with the event
Negative thoughts and mood:
Feeling detached or isolated, this can include dissociation
Negative beliefs (“I am bad”, “I can’t trust anyone”, “The world is dangerous”)
Self blame for the trauma
Persistent negative emotions such as fear, anger, guilt, or shame
Trouble feeling positive emotions like happiness or love
Lack of interest or participation in important/ pleasurable activities
Feeling more on-edge and reactive:
Feeling on guard
Being irritable or angry
Trouble sleeping
Startling easily
Problems concentrating
Being reckless or self-destructive
It can be quite intense to learn about symptoms, especially when you can relate to a lot of them. But, support and healing is possible, and you are already on your way if you are reading this article.
So, what’s next? How do we manage symptoms and move forward? There are many skills you can use. Tools like different therapies, mindfulness practices, relationship tools, improving your sleep, relaxing your body, and healing negative thought patterns can help. Usually, it takes multiple tools to help manage symptoms, and with practice it gets easier. Not every tool is for everyone, so you can find what works for you and improve your skill set. It takes hard work and effort to look within and explore the ways your family trauma contributed to your mental, physical, emotional and/or spiritual wellbeing. It’s not easy, but it is worth it.
Tools I have found most helpful have been working on grounding techniques, sleep tools, and going to therapy.
When my CPTSD was at an all-time high, I felt like I was getting triggered multiple times a day. It felt like anything could set me off. I had trouble sleeping and when I could sleep, I would have nightmares. It became necessary for me to find skills to comfort myself, and without them I wouldn’t be able to function.
On a daily basis, I use different grounding techniques. I really enjoy using my 5 senses to help bring me back when I am dissociating or feeling triggered. I name 5 things I see, 4 things I hear, 3 things I can touch, 2 things I can smell, 1 thing I can taste. Sometimes I’ll hold an ice cube in my hands, eat something flavorful, blast my favorite song, or sip on peppermint tea. Anything that brings me back into my body and the present moment. Grounding can also be doing some exercise, talking to a friend, journaling, or distracting yourself with your favorite show.
Sleep was something, and still is sometimes, that I really struggled with. I had so much anxiety, anger, and bottled up emotions that I had a really hard time relaxing. I would even fear going to bed sometimes because I knew nightmares waited for me when I fell asleep. But, sleep is so important. It is a basic requirement to be able to function and improve mental health. Of course, knowing this can make it feel more stressful, but treat yourself with compassion. Good sleep takes practice and consistency, and it won’t happen too quickly.
I was able to improve my sleep by keeping a consistent nighttime routine. I start with getting everything ready to go to bed. I set my alarm, get in my pajamas, turn down the lights, and take my sleeping medication (consult your doctor if you are looking for medication). I do 20 minutes of bedtime yoga (I follow Youtube videos) to calm my body and practice mindful breathing. I then go to the bathroom, get in bed, and listen to a Sleep Story on the Calm App as I fall asleep. You can also find sleep stories or podcasts online or on other apps. These help me focus on something else, instead of my own thoughts, so I don’t start thinking about all the things that make me anxious that could keep me from sleeping. I found these two articles on CPTSD sleep strategies really helpful: Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201.
Therapy has also been extremely helpful. I was able to search for a therapist that was trained in trauma, and I was lucky to find one I really liked. It did take a few tries to find a good fit, which is to be expected. I meet with my therapist once a week and work through things that are on my mind, unpacking triggers, contemplating how my family socialized me and trained me to act a certain way, and how these patterns impact my daily life and current relationships. It can feel really intimidating and never ending sometimes, but I am able to look at all of the clarity I have gained and see how much I have improved.
While navigating triggers and symptoms, it is helpful to build your ‘toolbelt’ of skills for managing your experience. Using these skills repetitively makes them easier and they can even become automatic coping skills. Adding to your toolbelt, or even creating an ‘emergency toolkit’ to refer to when you’re struggling can be really helpful. I have a list on my phone of grounding practices and other tools to look at when I realize I need it. Some other skills to explore include:
Body scans and progressive muscle relaxation
Deep breathing
Leisure activities and exercise
Thought shifting
Positive Imagery
Sleep tools
Remember to give yourself compassion during this journey. It is a continuous exploration of yourself and getting to know what works for you. Get to know your limits, what you can handle, and boundaries you need to set as you navigate CPTSD. For me, this meant knowing how much socializing I could handle, what events might be triggering for me, and how to make sure I was getting sufficient rest. Whether you are new to estrangement and trauma symptoms, or have been aware of them for a while, these tools can be helpful. I know it is intimidating to think about all of the things you might need to start practicing and changing about your routine, but starting is the hardest part. Again, it does get easier.
I am able to look back at where I started and how severe my symptoms were a year and a half ago compared to now, and I know my hard work has paid off. I have way less triggers, I sleep through the night almost every night (which I was convinced would never happen again), and I keep becoming more and more comfortable with myself and my journey. I don’t feel as fearful or ashamed as I used to, and I believe in myself more. Healing is not linear though, and some days I really struggle and have to rely on these tools.
I hope this article has provided a jumping off point for your own research and exploration of these skills and resources. Remember, Together Estranged is here to help.
This information is from the Department of Veterans Affairs, which creates resources for PTSD education and support. They have a free app called PTSD Coach that has resources for tracking your symptoms, getting support, and learning new skills. You can also visit their website.
***Disclaimer: Em is not a certified mental health professional. This article is written as peer-to-peer support for the Together Estranged Community. If you are having a psychiatric emergency, please seek professional help.
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