googleab19445d1f1eda5a.html
top of page
Writer's pictureEm

Understanding Narcissists and Their "Flying Monkeys"

“Don’t Make Me Get My Flying Monkeys”

 

My mom always loved the Wizard of Oz. It was one of her favorite movies from her childhood. She said that when she was a kid and she first watched the movie, she was so afraid of the Wicked Witch of West’s flying monkeys. You know the scene, the green Wicked Witch summons her monkeys, sending them off to attack Dorothy and the rest. She cries “Now, fly! Fly!” and the swarm of flying monkeys take off into the sky. They attack the group in the spooky forest and take off with Dorothy.


Wicked Witch of the West sending her flying monkeys outs to attack the others

My mom was so afraid of the flying monkeys as a kid that she refused to let me and my sister watch the movie until we were older. She thought the monkeys would scare us. But, of course, when my sister and I finally watched the movie, apparently all we did was laugh at the monkeys. My mom was perplexed. 


I’m not sure why my mom liked the movie so much. It became a bit of a staple of my childhood. My mom quoted the movie every once in a while. She even had a magnet on our fridge that read “Don’t make me get my flying monkeys.” It was her favorite quote of course. I never really thought the joke was that funny, but I never really gave it much thought.


After I went No Contact with my family and was in the full swing of grief, I was trying to research as much as I could about the abuse I experienced. I found resources on narcissistic abuse that resonated greatly with the experiences I had with my mom. I remember one article I read mentioned something called “Flying Monkeys.” I was shocked and memories came rushing back about the Wizard of Oz and that stupid magnet that stared back at me every time I opened the fridge in my childhood home.


It seemed ridiculous that my mom, a narcissist, had this magnet. Of course, she didn’t know the alternate meaning, but some part of me feels like it was the universe trying to warn me. Or, if anything, throw some irony my way.


So, what are Flying Monkeys, and what do they have to do with narcissistic abuse?


Flying Monkeys refer to the people who carry out the work of a narcissist, or an abusive person. It was, of course, inspired by the Wizard of Oz and how the witch puts the monkeys under her spell. They did the dirty work, much like those that ‘work’ for a narcissist.

Narcissists often manipulate their friends or family to act as spies, spread rumors, gaslight you, dismiss your experiences, or turn against you. In my case, my mom’s Flying Monkeys were mainly my sister and my dad. I was the scapegoat in my family, all problems in the family were blamed on me. I was gaslit until I no longer had a grasp on my reality. My mom also convinced my sister I was crazy, making my sister invalidate my experiences, staying oblivious to the blatant abuse I suffered right in front of her eyes. My dad was under my mom’s control, keeping him emotionally detached and making him support my mom’s actions toward me. This does not make them innocent in the situation, but narcissists are very talented manipulators.


Flying Monkeys are often people-pleasers, these are referred to as benevolent enablers. They want to be helpful and are fearful of disappointing or challenging the narcissist. They are often coerced by the narcissist, in denial of the situation, or simply lack the emotional intelligence and empathy to understand the harm they are participating in. People with anxiety, other conditions or disorders, or who experience codependent tendencies may be more susceptible to following a covert or vulnerable narcissist. 


Narcissists use the DARVO Tactic* (Deny, Attack, Reverse the Victim and Offender), manipulating their perception of events so much that the benevolent Flying Monkey views the victim as the perpetrator of the abuse. The narcissist is then able to pull the flying monkey into the conflict with the incentive to protect and even ‘rescue’ the narcissist.


They often fulfill their role without even knowing it. They genuinely believe the narcissist is in the right, because they have been manipulated to only see their perspective. There was no getting through to my sister or my dad – they never saw my side of things and continued to pass the blame onto me.


the Wicked Witch of the West threatening Dorothy

Another type of Flying Monkey is the malevolent enabler. These Flying Monkeys knowingly participate in narcissistic abuse because causing harm gives them a sense of power. They tend to be narcissists themselves and share the same attitudes and beliefs as the original abuser, usually an overt narcissist. It may even give them a sense of belonging to partake in the abuse. Malevolent Flying Monkeys can even be fully aware of the injustice taking place, but relish in denying justice to someone who is not like them. They are the gatekeepers and work to control the hierarchy that is in place.


If you are like me, you might be able to identify some Flying Monkeys in your life. It is recommended to try and place boundaries with these people, or distance yourself from them. I am fully estranged now to my mom and her Flying Monkeys. While I do not think her Flying Monkeys were actively trying to hurt me, I know I deserve better, and you do too.


I can’t help but think back to my childhood self, opening up the fridge for an after school snack as my eyes glanced over that magnet, “Don’t make me get my Flying Monkeys.” 

 

 

*DARVO Tactic: 

1. Deny: Refuse to accept any responsibility in the harmful behaviors, deflecting blame.

2. Attack: Character assassination with the aim of redirecting blame onto the person who confronted the perpetrator, scapegoating the innocent and burdening them with the accountability of the crimes of the aggressor. They shift the blame away from themselves to preserve their self-image and position of power. Attacks usually include victim-blaming, distorting facts, and minimization.

3. Reverse Victim and Offender: The victim is cast as a villain and the perpetrator is exonerated, motivating the Flying Monkeys or other bystanders to persecute or punish the victim.



***Disclaimer: Em is not a certified mental health professional. This article is written as peer-to-peer support for the Together Estranged Community. If you are having a psychiatric emergency, please seek professional help.

106 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


bottom of page