I have an older brother. With only 1.5 years between us, we had a close relationship during our childhoods. Over the years, his role evolved often, and at any one time he could either be my protector, friend, co-conspirator, hero, or nemesis. He could even be all of those in one day. Regardless, what bonded us together during those years was sharing in the experience of living in our challenging household. He was the only other person who was truly able to understand our unique and difficult family dynamics, which we tended to shield from other family members and friends in an effort to keep up appearances.
Despite this early bond, it saddens me to say that we are estranged. No contact estranged. He was the last person within my immediate family to maintain any contact. And that was in the form of twice-yearly emails to send birthday, and Diwali wishes. When those dwindled, I truly felt alone. Our estrangement occurred slowly and started when I moved out of our childhood home for graduate school while he remained behind. I had daydreamed for so long about the day I would finally be leaving, but failed to recognize the guilt I would feel leaving him to endure the difficulties at home on his own without an ally. It was truly a double-edged sword.
When we were younger, it was drilled into us that we had to maintain a close bond throughout our lives. That one day when our parents passed, we would only have each other. In fact, in our religion, there are multiple holidays centered on honoring and celebrating the bond between brothers and sisters. We dutifully participated in these festivities as children, not fully understanding at the time that one day our relationship may change and be anything other than iron clad. But as an adult, I now realize how unpredictable the sibling bond can be. Unlike friends, siblings are not chosen. And the expectation that your blood line can somehow supersede poor behavior, mismatched values, and glaring fundamental differences is unrealistic. I remind myself of this when I experience guilt watching my friends maintain strong, healthy, and loving relationships with their siblings. And now that I have children of my own, I carefully choose my words when I explain to them that it would be wonderful if they remained close as adults, but if they didn’t, that would be acceptable as well. The pressure to maintain a close sibling bond is not one I want to thrust upon my children.
I miss my brother. I wonder often what he is like after so many years. What does he look like? Is he married? Does he have children? Am I an aunt without even knowing it? Where is he living? What is his occupation? Does he ever think about me? Does he ever avert eye contact and uncomfortably answer questions about his sister when asked by strangers like I do when asked about him?
We have been estranged for so long that sometimes saying his name aloud feels foreign and clunky.
After experiencing no contact with my entire family, I can honestly say that the estrangement from a sibling feels different than it does from other family members like my parents, for example. The feeling that you lost a true friend causes a different type of grieving. However, life is unpredictable. One day perhaps our paths will cross again, and if it does by chance, I hope to see a little bit of familiarity in the eyes of someone I used to know so well.
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