It is common after experiencing childhood abuse to struggle with a lack of self-compassion. We are taught to be self critical and judgmental of our own actions in unfair ways.
One of the greatest barriers to healing can even be a deep fear of practicing self-compassion. If one has experienced moderate to severe levels of childhood abuse, there is a greater fear of self-compassion and psychological flexibility.
Being psychologically inflexible means that survivors of abuse show a pattern of behavior where their thoughts, feelings, and internal experiences control their actions. This can often lead to them avoiding triggering experiences. They are unable to find more effective and meaningful actions to help them cope with their psychological reactions to these discomforts, keeping them stuck in a cycle of fear. Which, as a survivor of childhood abuse, would make sense. Surviving a childhood of maltreatment, we instinctively fear the emotions of self-compassion because if we practice self-compassion, it will challenge us to look at the truth of how others treated us poorly. We have to challenge the thought patterns we have been taught, look at the memories of what happened to us, and see how we lacked the love and support we needed.
In order to practice self-compassion, we must find our own way of showing ourselves love and care, especially since we may not have had a good example of what that looks like.
Often, it is easier for survivors to feel compassion towards others. It is hard to feel that they deserve the same love and care for themselves. Childhood abuse often causes feelings of shame and guilt, although the victims had no power to stop the abuse, there is a pervasive feeling of “what if I had done something different” or “maybe it was my fault.” These feelings of guilt and shame are common and self-compassion is key to healing the complex trauma we experience.
Self-compassion can silence our inner critic. You can start by trying to be mindful of your thoughts and the things your inner critic says to you. Are they saying mean things to you? Are they using your words or your abusers? Are they speaking the facts?
I often realize when my inner critic is speaking, it sounds an awful lot like my mother. I’m repeating her hurtful words to myself about not being good enough, but once I become mindful about what they are saying, I can replace them with kinder words. I tell myself “I am good enough” or “What I went through was really tough and I am healing from it.”
Practicing self-compassion can help you take better care of yourself as you heal from childhood trauma. If you approach yourself with kindness, it is easier to meet your foundational needs. You can check in with yourself, practice self-love, and incorporate better care routines.
Self-Compassion can create greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, and more caring relationship behavior. All human beings deserve compassion and to feel understood.
According to Kristen Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, there are three key elements:
Self kindness vs. Self- judgement
Self-kindness removes you from judging yourself. You can work to accept reality instead of resisting it, generating positive emotions that help us cope.
Mindfulness vs over-identification with your thoughts
Mindfulness can reduce your tendency to ruminate or negative thinking. Self-compassion helps you avoid self-destructive thought patterns that come from our inner critic which diminish our motivation.
Common humanity vs. self isolation
The concept of common humanity means understanding you are not alone in your struggles and that no one is immune to the challenges of life. It's okay to have problems you are facing.
You can start your journey of practicing self-compassion through:
Comforting yourself through eating nourishing meals, taking a walk, resting, massaging your feet, etc.
When something painful happens, think about what you would say to your good friend and direct it toward yourself.
Practice mindfulness by observing yourself in a non judgemental way and examine your thoughts and feelings without denying them.
Read about self-compassion in Kristen Neff’s Book: Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
Give yourself validation for the challenges you have faced and give yourself encouragement for your healing journey.
***Disclaimer: Em is not a certified mental health professional. This article is written as peer-to-peer support for the Together Estranged Community. If you are having a psychiatric emergency, please seek professional help.
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