Estrangement and Validation

As challenging of a relationship I had with my family, praise for achievements was never withheld.  I was a type-A, hardworking, and dedicated student, and I excelled academically throughout childhood and adolescence.  Hiding behind a strong work ethic allowed me to escape to my bedroom, behind a closed door, for hours, even on weekends and holidays, to avoid the uncomfortableness of daily family life.  The academic achievements briefly provided the positive attention and self-esteem boost that I desperately needed.  Academic success was the only form of success my parents recognized. 

As first-generation immigrants, the expectation (not request) was that school was approached with an impenetrable level of mental fortitude and dedication, and academic excellence was the only acceptable outcome.  Every outstanding test score would be met with a genuine “that’s great, we’re proud of you” sentiment.  And with so much ongoing family turmoil, it felt wonderful to receive that validation.  That I was important, that I mattered, and that I was good at something.  However, it resulted in continually chasing that validation given by others.  Of never learning how look in the mirror and tell myself that I did a great job.

Fast forward to today.  I have been estranged from my family for almost 9 years.  And as a grown-up, I struggle with the ability to recognize and validate my own achievements.  The type-A, driven, and successful child has grown into an adult that still continues to achieve.  But without the external recognition of a job well done, these achievements seem unworthy of celebration and tend to fall flat.  I am unsure of how to convince myself that I created, accomplished, or succeeded, and have it sound and feel genuine.  When so much of your self-esteem and confidence has been created and maintained by others, what do you do when they are no longer there?

There are many mental health benefits that estrangement can provide when the relationship becomes too toxic, and those are well-known and well-described.  But what about the negative outcomes of estrangement?  Those aren’t discussed nearly as often.

I have 2 young children, and I am consciously working very hard to teach them self-validation.  I often catch myself saying “I’m so proud of you” in response to an excellent report card or art project they worked hard on, instead of saying “you must be so proud of yourself.”  It’s a hard transition for me and something that requires daily effort.  But from the perspective of where I am today, I truly want my children to be able to cultivate their own self-worth.  I don’t intend on becoming estranged from my children, but I don’t think most people that find themselves estranged planned on it either. 

But if that day were to ever come, I want them to know that irrespective of what I think, they are strong, worthy, and accomplished individuals, and no one can ever make them feel otherwise.