"My adult daughter has cut off all contact..."

Trigger Warning - this response is to an estranged parent (our advice submission is public access)

 "This month, the advice columnist advises the parent of an estranged adult child about what to do instead of trying to locate her."

My adult daughter has cut off all contact with her mother, sister, and I. We have had no contact for nearly 3 years. We have tried to do online searches with no success. What are the best ways to try and locate her. We have no current contact information.

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Hi friend, 

Thank you for writing in. 

So, I’ve got a short answer and a long answer for you today. 

Short answer:

Your daughter is an adult who gets to make her own decisions about her family, her connections and her relationships. 

I’m sorry, but she doesn’t want to talk to you. She has made that consistently clear, and it sounds like might even have gone to some pains to protect her privacy online and make sure she can’t be found. Even if you did locate her, you can’t force her into having a relationship with you that she does not want to have.

Please leave her alone.

Long answer:

I don’t know why your daughter has chosen to cut off contact with you, her mother and her sister. 

I can tell you that I left my family of origin for a lot of reasons. But the deciding factor between ‘I don’t want to live like this’ and ‘I am packing my bags and walking away’ was that I came out as queer and was starting to openly embrace this part of my identity, and my folks couldn’t abide that. 

When I left, I didn’t want to walk away forever. They were, after all, the only family I’d ever had. I told myself that if they ever did anything — anything at all, no matter how small or surface-level — to show their support for me as a queer person, or for other queer people like me, I’d come back. (There was a time, in those early end-of-relationship months, when something like a $5 donation to The Trevor Project would’ve done it. I was starving for scraps; grasping for any real proof that I’d been wrong. I never got it).

But really, what I wish more than anything is that my family-of-origin had been able to take whatever love and care they had and have for me, and put it somewhere meaningful. 

I wouldn’t have expected that to happen right away: The end of a relationship often takes time to process and to grieve, no matter when or how it happens. 

But I wish, at some point in the months and years since, my folks had decided that they wanted to know more about this part of me — something that was clearly important to me, even if they didn’t understand it; so important to me that I would rather walk away from our relationship than hide this part of myself from them and stay. 

I wish they had felt inspired to reach out to their local LGBTQ resource centre, attended a PFLAG meeting or two, maybe even stuck a rainbow decal in the front window or signed up to volunteer at Pride. 

If they took a fraction of the time and effort they’ve ever spent trying to track down their wayward daughter, and used it to hold out a helping hand to other people like their daughter who might actually need that help right now, that would be the greatest act of love they’ve ever given me. 

I think, with tentative optimism, it could even be the foundation of a new sort of relationship between the three of us. 

So, if your daughter ever told you why she was cutting off contact, that might be a place to start. 

Even if you don’t understand why this matters so much to her, even if you think she’s wrong: What would happen if you decided to go and explore that topic more deeply?

Even if you don’t pursue it further, and this doesn’t become an ongoing part of your life, you’ll still have spent the time learning about something that matters to a person you love (which is, in itself, an act of love)

And if she didn’t give you any reasons or explanations at all — or, none that you can parse — could you take any part of the care you feel towards your daughter and put it towards caring for others in your community?

After all, I have no doubt you wish the best for her: That, if she ever needs help and support, you hope there will be safety nets out there to catch her (even if that can’t be you, right now). 

So maybe, then, you can help shore up those safety nets close to home; find a way to offer that help and support to others, and be the fulfillment of some other parent’s hope. 

I’m not just suggesting this because I think it would be healthier and more fruitful for you in the long run (and more respectful of your daughter’s own wishes) than putting all that effort and energy into tracking down a woman who does not want to be found. 

I’m also thinking about how your daughter might react, if she ever looks you up to see what you’ve been up to in her absence.

In which universe do you think she’d be more likely to want to reconnect?

1. The universe where her main point of contact/point of reference for her family-of-origin, in the years since her departure, is that you keep trying to locate her when she doesn’t want to be found. 

2. The universe where you’ve shown her that you do respect her choices — even though it’s hard — and that you’re taking your love for her and using it to care for others, while you trust that others are doing the same for her. 

Now, I’ve got to be clear, this isn’t a checklist or a promise. I can’t tell you “if you do this, then she will definitely come back.” (That is up to her, not up to me).

But what I can tell you is that, if I had someone out there in the world who might be curious about what I’m up to from time to time, and if I wanted to maximize the odds of that person choosing to get back in touch with me, I’d pick the second option every time. 

I’d definitely want to ‘get caught trying’. 

Take good care,

Hila