Every year it feels as though the holiday season approaches even more quickly than the last. The early morning chill is usually the first indication that fall is finally approaching. Once Halloween passes, the race to the new year begins. The remaining days of the year are busy with planning, shopping, prepping, cooking, and organizing for the many festivities to be celebrated with family both nearby and far. It’s no surprise that the latter half of December is one of the busiest travel times of the year. But what do you do when you’re estranged when the holiday season hits?
I have been estranged from my family for the past 8 years. No contact. In my religion, however, we have numerous major holidays throughout the calendar year; not just in the last 3 months. The entire year consists of ebbs and flows of busyness tied to the prep of the next major holiday, and execution on the actual day(s).
This means that those feelings of sadness, loneliness, and longing (which can be present in familial estrangement and tend to heighten during the holidays) are experienced year-round.
In addition, I have young children which adds another layer of complications. Children are very observant, and when they realize that entire branches of their family tree are missing at these celebrations, it gives them a perfect opportunity to start asking difficult questions at an already emotional time. In my own experience, I have been estranged from my family for so long that my children have stopped asking where my family members are and have just accepted their absence, which has caused a different level of pain altogether. It’s as though they have been forgotten, or they never even existed. And it leads me to wonder at times, if my family has forgotten me as well.
Children are also naturally very curious. And when one of these holidays arrives, unsurprisingly, children have a lot of questions. By and large, our Indian culture thrives and survives on the “it takes a village” mentality. When a holiday is approaching, it’s not uncommon for multiple generations to gather for the preparations. During this time, grandparents and even great-grandparents often explain the traditions and values associated with the holiday, helping to ensure that its true meaning is not lost. This can be especially important and helpful for parents who may not have a strong understanding of or familiarity with the holiday. But what if that village doesn’t exist?
What may follow are feelings of shame, guilt, and failure. Failure to teach your children about certain cultural traditions, or perhaps sadness related to an inability to provide cozy holiday gatherings filled with loving family members creating beautiful memories. Social media only feeds into these feelings by reminding us of what could have been once you start scrolling.
So, what can you do? Well, one option is to become resourceful. Start searching for answers to questions that your children ask about specific holidays online, or by asking friends and trusted members of an older generation. Piece together what you learn with the traditions you may have followed and remember from your childhood to form new family traditions. Fill the void of missing family members with friends you have chosen to share these special moments with. And the hope is that one day, when your children have families of their own, those carefully crafted traditions get carried on, just as though they’ve existed forever.
Holidays can be an especially difficult time for those experiencing estrangement. Are there any tools that you have used to create happy, loving, holiday memories?
Comments