Estrangement and the Calendar

I can’t be the only person whose heart fills with dread looking at the calendar knowing that a specific day that should be cause for celebration (e.g. family member’s birthday, parents’ anniversary, etc.) is approaching. 

I am completely estranged from my family, yet every one of these particular days never fails to unroof the wound I have meticulously been working on healing for so many years, setting my progress back just a little that day.  

Days, that a lifetime ago were filled with fun and laughter, are now triggering.  I can’t count the number of birthdays I have cried from not receiving a phone call, email, or card from any family members.  After nearly 9 years, the pain has definitely lessened and the tears have dried, but it still stings.  The idea of being forgotten leaves lasting pain and creates abandonment and self-esteem issues that become permanently imprinted into your identity. 

I also wish I could explain to my two young children why their mom is sometimes sad or short-tempered on her birthday instead of joyous.  Why she hates fanfare and attention, and is secretly wishing every year that the day passes by as quickly as possible.

I absolutely adore my children.  Every year, I pull out all the stops to ensure that they have fun and memorable birthdays.  I also play pranks on April Fool’s Day, hide the Elf on the Shelf every day for a month during December, and think of naughty tricks the leprechaun comes to play on St. Patrick’s Day.  Watching their delighted and excited faces means the world to me, and lets me know that in those moments, I’m doing a great job as a parent. 

But if I’m honest, I also work so hard to create wonderful childhood memories for them because deep down, it’s always in the back of my mind that when they are grown, they may choose estrangement.  If that does happen, then at least they, and I, have beautiful memories from a period of time when life was right. 

What I have learned over the years is that the emotional rollercoaster that is synonymous with these “special” days never ends.  Over time the extreme feelings are dulled, and what remains is more of a general feeling of discomfort. 

The feeling of hopefulness that this may be the day that reconnection could happen lessen over time. 

The longing for contact shows up uninvited but is usually snuffed out at the same time the birthday candles are.  The most important piece of advice I can recommend is to redefine the meaning of these days for you and create them to be what you want.  If you want to throw yourself a big party, do it.  If you want to hide under the covers and watch tv, do it.  You are finally a grown-up and have the freedom to make your own choices. 

And just remember, tomorrow is just another day and a fresh start.