Estrangement and Loss

I occasionally wonder if people who have experienced estrangement have an empathy switch that has been permanently turned to the off position, or at least an empathy dimmer that has been dialed way down.  Or is it just me?  I have realized that my early life experiences have shaped who I am today, but not necessarily the person I would have chosen to be if given free reign.  I have been living with complete familial estrangement for almost 9 years, and it has profoundly affected every relationship I’ve had since then.  But if we’re honest, “pre-estrangement me” had her own issues as well.  Growing up in a difficult household left me guarded and mistrustful of others.  “Post-estrangement me” is similar, but with less compassion and more confusion.

My parents are getting older, and I have no clue what the state of their health currently is.  I have several friends whose aging parents have developed chronic conditions and/or have passed.  I alternate between denial that my parents and relatives of their generation are actually old enough to be passing, and guilt that I am not living up to my expected duties as a child taking care of my parents both physically and financially as they age.

Only recently, after learning that one of my husband’s distant family members was gravely ill and hospitalized with death imminent, did I realize how indifferent and numb I have become to loss.  It was a shocking revelation.  I always thought of myself as an empathetic person, but after processing so much loss from within my own family, I find it difficult to muster a genuine, socially appropriate reaction to the loss of people I don’t know well at all.  I am also ashamed to admit that when I have friends who lose an aging parent or relative whom they had a close relationship with as an adult, I find it challenging to sympathize with them.  I am consumed by the thought that they had so many more wonderful years with this person in a healthy, beautiful, and meaningful relationship, and I lost everyone that should have been an instrumental person in my life when I was only 34 years old.  I bury these feelings of bitterness, jealousy, and unfairness so as not to be totally ostracized from society. 

Estrangement and loss are intertwined in a very complicated relationship.  I’ve read many times that processing the loss from an actual death is easier because of the finality.  The loss from estrangement is messier and more challenging since the door is never truly fully closed.  Those “what if” scenarios always manage to creep up every now and then. But for people who have experienced estrangement, loss is pervasive.  It just shifts forms, ebbs, and flows, but always makes its presence known.  I have found that giving yourself grace to experience loss as part of your estrangement journey and allowing yourself to mourn those absent relationships is helpful to hopefully start creating a more peaceful life.