I have been estranged from my family for a little over the past 8 years. While at this point in my life I’m confident that I have made the right decision, as anyone who has experienced estrangement knows, the journey to this conclusion can be bumpy and uncomfortable; often filled with endless doubts, periods of certainty, and waves of grief.
I have read many times that mourning an estranged relationship differs greatly from mourning the actual loss of a loved one.
There is a finality that comes with death and the understanding that that relationship has reached its closure. With estrangement, the door is always open, even if it is only a miniscule crack. And that often leads to hope, whether you want to admit it out loud, or not. It’s hard not to imagine those “what if” scenarios that would allow a fractured relationship to magically be repaired, and how wonderful the outcome could potentially be.
Barring these thoughts, I am proud of the years of therapy and individual work I have done to be certain that my choice is the correct one. And to start the daunting and overwhelming process of healing intergenerational trauma. In my mind, I had closed the door on attempting to re-establish any relationship with my parents, and I was content in a way to be free from any of the responsibilities, expectations, and demands that sometimes comes with being someone’s child. Then I got married. And now I have in-laws. Once again, I had two parental figures in my life that I did not choose. And in the years that I have been married, I have struggled to develop, maintain, and understand what my relationship with them should be like.
There was, of course, society’s version of what a daughter-in-law should be like; but what about a daughter-in-law who is estranged from her own parents? What are the rules? What is acceptable? I married someone who has an extremely close relationship with his parents. And someone who wished his future spouse would grow to love his parents as much as he does. But I am struggling. The walls I have put up and boundaries I have established to preserve my own sanity with my parents, unfortunately, it appears, have transcended to apply to all parental units. And this has caused tension within my own marriage and has even caused me to question my own character. What happened to the empathetic, caring, and openly loving person I once identified as? She’s been replaced by someone who is cautious, careful, and reserved when it comes to every interaction with my in-laws. I’m overly sensitive to their suggestions and comments, and find that I bristle with any advice, even advice given with the best of intentions.
I have tried to find information or research on estrangement and in-law dynamics, and have for the most part, come up empty-handed. I understand that my difficulties in generating a meaningful relationship with them are centered on my own parental trauma. And I want those of you to know that if you find yourself in my situation, experiencing these feelings, you aren’t alone. Nothing about us is wrong, we are just a work in progress. Healing and generating trust just take time, and there is no rush. Remember to treat yourself with kindness, grace, and acceptance, and with time, it will hopefully help to heal the wounds you have experienced and allow you to be open to developing new relationships on your timeline.
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