This month, our Advice Columnist addresses the pain that comes with becoming disconnected with a family member and thoughts for reflection.
Q: Does the pain and loss surrounding being estranged ease over time? I have been full no contact for one year and 2 years previous to this low contact and it’s been incredibly hard.
A: Hi Jenny,
Thank you so much for writing in.
When I first read your question, I thought about a brilliant analogy I read a few years ago - Lauren Herschel's idea of grief like a box with a 'pain' button somewhere inside it, and a rubber ball bouncing around in there too.
Sometimes, the 'ball' of grief and loss and emotion can be huge, taking up almost all the space in the box, and it's just hammering the 'pain' button 24/7.
Sometimes, the ball is smaller — when more time has passed, or there's more support and comfort in your life, or when it's just plain slipped your mind for a little while — and has more room to bounce around in the box. Still, though, when it bounces off the 'pain' button, it hurts just as much.
When it comes to estrangement, there will probably always be things that hurt - that pain button is never going away completely.
But it doesn't have to hurt you all the time.
So let's talk about how to ease the ball off the button a little bit.
If I were keeping a catalog of 'annoying and hurtful things people have said to me about estrangement,' one of the most insidious would be this notion that, so long as I am estranged, my situation is sad and I should be suffering.
For some people, who've never experienced estrangement themselves and can't quite fathom it, I think the way they cling to this idea is a bit of a defense mechanism. Otherwise, they would actually have to confront the idea that the people in their lives could leave them at any time, for any reason ... and not only leave, but maybe even go on to live and thrive. And they themselves, if they wanted to, could do the same.
These people are sure they would suffer if they cut off a once-close relationship, or had someone end a relationship with them. And of course they’re entitled to their opinion. But the problem comes about when they try to generalize that internal prediction (“I think I would be sad”) to a general expectation (“I think you should be sad”).
In my experience, when people say those types of things to me, it feels like they're rooting around in my grief-box, trying to find the pain-button to make good and sure it’s pressed down.
So I want to say this very clearly:
Estrangement doesn't mean you have to suffer.
There is no wrong way for you to feel about this part of your life — joy, sorrow, a mix of the two or anything else besides — but happiness is possible, and so is peace and contentment and well-being and every other good thing you could wish for.
So will it ever start hurting less?
Well, yes and no.
There will be moments when something or someone — by inattention or by cruelty — bounces the ball right off your pain button, and it’ll hurt like hell. And maybe in time your estrangement will be less of an open wound and more like scar tissue, but I don’t think this feeling ever goes away completely. It's part of your life and your identity, and it'll shape how you walk through the world.
But it's not the only part of you.
In my experience, the greatest gift estrangement has given me is, simply, time. Being in a relationship takes time; whether that’s a few minutes every month-or-so just to stay in touch, or hours out of every day. In the best relationships, that time is a gift.
Part of estrangement means that all that time you once spent on that relationship becomes yours again. So how can you use that time to build yourself up?
Now, in the context of happiness and mental well-being, I'm not at all fond of the phrase “fake it 'till you make it” — I think that puts too much of the focus on how happy you seem to other people, and doesn't leave a lot of room for how you're actually doing.
But it is true that you don't have to wait to be happy to make your life better.
So I would ask you — what’s one thing you can do, right now, to improve your lot in life?
For me, that usually involves baking. I like to put on loud music, throw myself a one-person dance party in the kitchen, and make a tray of muffins or cookies.
And do I feel happy once I’ve done that? Often, no, or at least not right away; after all, even the tastiest home-baked desserts aren’t a cure-all. But I do feel better, even if only slightly, because 'sad, with good music and fresh muffins' is still an improvement over 'sad, without.'
If you’re feeling stuck on ways to improve your lot in life, here are some things I’ve come up with to help you get started:
Doing some simple self-care tasks, like laundry or dishes or taking a shower.
Calling a friend, because ‘sad, in good company’ is better than ‘sad and lonely’
Eating a tasty snack
Spending some time outdoors
Learning a new skill, or practicing an old one
Getting dressed up in a cool outfit
Making plans to go to a play or a museum, to give myself something to look forward to
Jenny, I don’t know if the circumstances of your estrangement will ever stop hurting. I really hope they do. But I know there is room in your life for so much more than pain — and for everything you lost and still grieve, there will be new and cherished things to find that you never would have come across on a different path through life.
So when you’re feeling low, go and find one small good thing to spend a bit of time on. Then another good thing, then another. And on and on forever.
No one small good thing on its own will fix everything.
But I promise, they add up.
Wishing you well,
Hila
Hila (any pronouns) is the Advice Columnist for the Together Estranged Newsletter. They have been happily estranged for a number of years, and now live with their chosen family and beloved, silly dog in rural Canada. They have a background in mental health, peer support, writing and journalism. Outside of work, Hila can be found recreating desserts from The Great British Bake Off, running on the beautiful trails near their home, singing show tunes, and learning to knit.
Please Note: The peer to peer Advice Columnist is not a licensed mental health professional; this is not medical advice. If you are in crisis or you think you may have an emergency, please go to your local urgent care center to talk to a professional counselor.
In addition, the views and opinions expressed by Advice Columnists are those of the Advice Columnists and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Together Estranged.