This month, our advice columnist answers a question about how to find self-love when you’re estranged - particularly when noticing physical traits that resemble those of your estranged family member.
Q: I am working hard at self-love, but I physically resemble the family member from whom I am estranged. How can I look at myself in the mirror without feeling hurt, anger, and disappointment?
A: Hello, anonymous friend!
Thank you for your question.Working on self-love is such an important and valuable journey, but that doesn't make it easy; especially when some of the features you see in the mirror remind you of estranged relatives.
But I do have a few suggestions that might help you navigate this.
First off, I'd like you to think about what specific, physical features you share with your estranged relative — the ones that really grab your attention when you look in the mirror. Perhaps it's the shape of your face, or the color of your eyes, or the way you tilt your head when you think. It could be one main feature that you find you're usually focusing on, or it could be a handful of things.
Then, I want you to go out and find some examples of other people who share those features too. These can be friends, actors on TV, even strangers on the street. No one person needs to have all these shared qualities, but if they have one or two, that's enough. Just start to notice — X person has this sort of lips. Y person has this sort of body type. Z person has the same smile lines.
Now, when you see that feature in your own body and have that immediate hurt, angry and disappointed reaction, I want you to think about all these other people, and try to deliberately notice how the physical feature that is drawing your attention right now is part of the vast diversity of human experience and expression.
It's not just you. It's not just you and your relative(s). All sorts of people — ordinary people out there living their own lives, most of whom you'll never meet — look like this, too. You don't necessarily have to look at those features on yourself and think 'this is beautiful; this is wonderful.' But there is a lot of value in being able to look at yourself and say 'this is normal.'
Second, when it comes to estrangement, family resemblances can be a real trip. But even though we might notice them quite strongly in ourselves, it's worth remembering that most other people probably don't see the same similarities we do — because family resemblance is very, very prone to confirmation bias.
Human brains have a tendency to cherry-pick information that confirms our existing beliefs or ideas. That is, if we expect Person A to look like Person B, we are likely to focus our attention on the features they share, and not on the things that make them different.
I've seen this play out plenty of times in my own life. For example, at my last office job, when I was setting up my desk, the first thing I unpacked was a picture of my chosen family. A colleague came over to chat, saw the picture, and told me ”oh, that's sweet. You look just like your dad!“ To be clear, we have no genetic relationship — we come from different parts of the country and different cultural backgrounds, and we didn't even become family until I was in my 20s. Frankly, I don't think we look particularly alike. But my colleague looked at a family photo and expected to see a resemblance, so she found one.
The opposite can also be true. When you look at yourself in the mirror, you're expecting to see that physical resemblance to your relative — so it stands out to you. But you can remind yourself that most people you meet in the course of your life won't have that same association, so they won't see you in the same way.
Third — remember that list you made before, of the physical features you share with your relative? I want you to go back to that list, and think about which ones are within your reasonable power — and desire — to change. Just because you could change something doesn't mean you have to, of course. This is all about putting options on the table. If your hair is similar to your relative's, what would you think about trying a different cut, color or style? What about (if you wear glasses) different frames, or contacts? What about styles of clothes that sit on your body in a different way? Or wearing more, less, or different types of makeup?
Self-love doesn't have to mean 'I'll never want to change anything about the way I look.' Self-love can also mean 'my body is my home, and I get to decide how to decorate.'
Especially for these sorts of temporary changes — clothes and makeup can come off as easily as they go on; hair grows back, etc. — you can really play around with it, and see how you feel with all sorts of different looks.
Finally, on your journey of self-love, there's a lot more to focus on than just what's in the mirror. So I want to leave you with an exercise I learned from my high school drama teacher, which showed me a different way of appreciating my physicality and presence.
For this exercise, you can lie down flat on your back (or, if that's not comfortable, lie down or recline in a position that suits you better). Starting from your feet and working your way up to your head, take a moment to notice every part of your body that is touching the surface beneath you. And, for all those body parts, name one specific thing you'd like to thank it for today.
When I did this exercise most recently, I thought: I am thankful for my feet, for holding me up on tip-toes to reach the top kitchen shelf. I am thankful for my calves, that help me do some fun line dancing steps. I am thankful for my thighs, whose strong muscles power my running.
And so on, all the way up to the top of my head and the tips of my fingers.
If you try this exercise yourself, you'll likely find that many of your reflections will have little or nothing to do with what your body looks like — they're all about how you live in your body.
And if you're able to look at yourself and say, 'I am grateful for my body because my body is where I live, and it makes it possible for me to interact with the world in all these ways that are valuable to me,' that is a powerful expression of self-love indeed.
Wishing you well,
Hila
Hila (any pronouns) is the Advice Columnist for the Together Estranged Newsletter. They have been happily estranged for a number of years, and now live with their chosen family and beloved, silly dog in rural Canada. They have a background in mental health, peer support, writing and journalism. Outside of work, Hila can be found recreating desserts from The Great British Bake Off, running on the beautiful trails near their home, singing show tunes, and learning to knit.
Please Note: The peer to peer Advice Columnist is not a licensed mental health professional; this is not medical advice. If you are in crisis or you think you may have an emergency, please go to your local urgent care center to talk to a professional counselor.
In addition, the views and opinions expressed by Advice Columnists are those of the Advice Columnists and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Together Estranged.