Estrangement can lead to a lot of stress and emotional dys-regulation, but the Window of Tolerance can help manage a lot of this.
Being able to navigate our emotional endurance and know our limits is vital to our healing process. Finding the balance of what we have capacity for and what boundaries we need to set can help us with our work, social life, intimate relationships, and our own well-being.
So, what is the Window of Tolerance?
The Window of Tolerance refers to the zone you are in when your emotions are stable and controlled and you are able to think clearly and rationally. It is when you are in a state of effective functioning. The goal is to try and stay within your Window of Tolerance so you can manage stress and defuse perceived threats to sustain emotional balance.
When you are in the Window of Tolerance you can feel and think simultaneously, experience empathy, and feel present, open, and curious. You are aware of boundaries (both yours and others) and can adapt to different situations.
I like to think of it as when I am feeling at ease, thinking clearly, and working within my capacity for whatever I need to handle – when I feel safe.
The Window of Tolerance can be different for each person. Some people’s Windows are considered ‘wider’, meaning it takes more to drive them beyond it. They can manage stress and emotions more easily. But for those of us with trauma or if you’re struggling with emotional regulation, we can have a ‘narrower’ Window.
Triggers, stress, pressure, or being outside of our comfort zone can make it harder to stay within this Window of Tolerance. Emotions and situations can feel more intense and difficult to manage. The perceived threat of danger can be more easily triggered. Our brains can be programmed to react faster to threats if our fight or flight response is more sensitive.
The fight, flight, or freeze response means we are going beyond our Window.
If we fight or flee, we are going ‘above’ the Window.
If we freeze, we go ‘below’ the Window.
Our level of sensitivity is described as our state of arousal. When we are within our Window, our arousal is regulated. When we go beyond it we are hyper-aroused (above the Window) or hypo-aroused (below).
Hyper-arousal can look like overwhelm, anxiety, fear, flashbacks, defensiveness, hyper-vigilance, etc. Hypo-arousal can cause you to shut down, emotionally withdraw, experience lethargy, shame, numbness, etc. Whether hyper- or hypoaroused, it makes it harder to process the world around you effectively. This can cause your alarm systems to go off and react in ways that are more dysregulated.
But whether or not you have PTSD, understanding your Window of Tolerance can be helpful in navigating your life. Just like understanding and identifying your triggers, you can start to find what situations, activities, or patterns in your life that cause you to leave your Window. For me, if I don’t get enough rest, don’t take time to decompress after something emotional or stressful, or am in an overstimulating environment, it is a lot easier for me to get pushed out of my Window of Tolerance.
If I know I am going to be in a possibly triggering situation, I try to find boundaries that will help me stay closer to my Window. Or, if I get dys-regulated, I think of ways to help me feel safe again, returning to my Window.
The Window of Tolerance can be used as a compass for your healing journey.
Trauma survivors can often be operating either above or below the Window, sometimes jumping between both without much time spent within the Window itself. But we can practice finding our Window of Tolerance and identifying when we are outside of it. You can use the concept of the Window to focus on how to stay within it, how to get back within it, and how to widen your Window.
This can look like identifying your triggers, practicing mindfulness, and finding ways to bring yourself back to calmness or to get out of emotional numbness. Widening your Window is done by building this self awareness and exploring healing options from trauma whether that is therapy, yoga, trauma exploration, journaling, or otherwise. Taking care of your physical health is important too. I find if I get too hungry, don’t get enough rest, or haven’t exercised, it is easier for me to tip out of my Window.
Knowing about the Window of Tolerance is helpful for me, because it gives me language to use to explain how I am operating and feeling to others, and even to myself. Having the words to name what you are experiencing can be very validating and powerful in your healing journey.
Article by Em, Together Estranged Newsletter Coordinator
For more information about trauma and the Window of Tolerance: The Window of Tolerance and PTSD
***Disclaimer: Em is not a certified mental health professional. This article is written as peer-to-peer support for the Together Estranged Community. If you are having a psychiatric emergency, please seek professional help.
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